Drinker

Conclusion- I am so glad I don't drink... Because even when I don't i do stupid things...

Like:

word vomit all over people and tell my secrets...

Confessing dying infatuations...

Text exactly what I'm thinking..

Which is so so dangerous.

Or in a sleep induced stupor, almost text marriage proposals.

Reasons why I shouldn't drink, 101 (besides the whole commandment thing)

People sick

People occasionally ask me if I get home sick. I generally think about it and reply no... But sometimes I get people sick.. Until now.. When I got to talk to Derek and Jared tonight. That distance seems even further ... And I find myself, not even realizing... Seeking out things that are loved/appreciated by those I love.. Whether it be food, music or movies. But it rings even more true when I purposefully go out and buy something like this: 

I am generally annoyed with certain fads and trends.. This one is included. I think it's silly... But bekki and her girls love them.. Therefore I love them. I see them and I get excited to send them to her. To share this awesome find. I'm not sure if she still likes them.. But I see them and think of her. I am just a little lost in missing. 

Star Shaped Tupperware

There is this kid that I know. Jason. He made things really hellish for himself while he was in Seattle. He would be interested in a girl, as her out.. and then.. when they weren't interested or interseted in someone else.. he would go.. a little crazy. Sign them up to get spammed. On email and phone. That's just naming a small thing... I guess he just expected there to be interest when girls responded positively to him.. Not realizing that most (lds?) girls will say yes just to:
1- be nice
2- it's a FIRST DATE. no harm in a first date.

He created situations for himself and let everyone know about it. It was a mess. There is too much detail to go into here.. But let me tell you.. I hit several breaking points mostly due to my frustration. For whatever reason.. I became his sponsor. I told him that if there was ever a time that he felt inclined to "get back" at a girl or had concerns about dating, to contact me. I didn't want him to do what he has done in Seattle. (He has since moved to Utah) For whatever reason... I took this upon myself. A free service to him and everyone he might encounter later.

I am happy to say that he has been doing well. He has been contact me over the last few weeks about a girl he has asked out on TWO dates. And there will probably even be a third. He has been slow in his process, but based on his previous experiences I'm not surprised. Doesn't want to scare her away either, I imagine.

But I got an email from him today telling me:
1. about the date
2. asking if it sounded right, that he should ask her out on another date.

It's so cute.

I'm so excited for him.

I hope it works out.

The odd shaped tupperware hopefully found its lid...

I am such a girl...

I had a post that I had been writing and my phone deleted it . Lame sauce...

What had I written before.

Not sure... I'll just run with it..

So I have a tendency to hold on to friendships and keeping in contact with people rather tightly. Much akin to the cold clammy hand of death. Although if I get little to no response from someone it makes my hold a little less.. But! What surprises me is that the people I keep in best contact with are Christine (ok that's a give in), German and Charlie.. Charlie of all people.. I am so surprised by this. Especially since I was so unsure about our friendship for quite some time. But I will email holm and he responds rather quickly actually, in the best Charlie form. Man I love that guy. I got an email from him this morning and that is why it's on my mind. 

And German, who had informed me that our friendship would dwindle since I am so far away. Ha. HA! Fool. 

In other news.. John. I have this friend named john that Susan introduced me to before she left. (I took her spot in my flat.) . So she introduced us and was kid of keen on the idea of us dating. She kept giving me inside tips about him. When she talks to me she will do that sly look and ask..
Sooo....... how's john? 

Okay. So johns great. He is from northern England and has a great northern accent and says stuff like "meself" and it just makes me grin to myself. We have some similar interests.. Travel... Photography is a big one.. An adament hatred of particular fonts. Other things too. If I had half a brain working I would be able to tell you more because there is more. But he's great. We have hung out a few times. I like talking to him when I see him. He also does that josh thing where he will look at me like I have 3 heads. Is this just what happens with computer tech guys and me?

I'm not sure if I actually like him.. Or if the idea is being forced on me by external sources. (Susan) I kind of forget sometimes but when he's around I'm like- hey! Yes! It's john! This is great. (Inside my head) last time I was at church I was talking to him in the hallway and I was in the middle of telling him something when I realized I had to head to class. I told him so and he had this look like he wanted to continue the conversation and was kind of remiss to end it. I kind of liked that look.
I also went to institute tonight and after class was done he stopped to talk to me for a while which was kind of great... But I also hadn't seen him since last.. Monday? So a week and a half.
I am at this weird spot of not really being sure if i like him or if I am pushed into it by Susan.. Or like the idea of it.. Or just am amused by the way he talks.

It's all a toss up...

More later i need to finish this conversation with German.. 

"I'm so glad to have friends!!"

I went out with some girls from my program today. We went to some amazing book shops and I spent too much money on books. We hung out, wandered around, and just had some fun conversations.

Now there were 4 of us. 3 of us are Americans. 1 British, but she commutes on school days from home. So all in all, they don't get out and meet people.. So it was fun for them to have plans to go out and do something. Fun to go out for a drink and do something on a Friday night. They kept saying over and over again, I'm so glad we're hanging out! I'm so glad we're doing this! I'm so glad we have friends.

Which is true. It's fun to have these girls that I have so much in common with.. Especially our love of children's books... even down to our oddities. (My love of stairways and Shauna's love of fire escapes..) She commented on the fact that she would be told by her friends back home how weird she was to look at or notice these things. Jess is making hopeful plans on us all living together in London if we find work when school is out. It's all fanciful stuff but I can see it on her face that she is enjoying the possibility.

Anyway.. that's beside the point.

My point kind of just stems down to the fact that I DO have friends. I live in a flat with a solid group of girls. I feel like I can hang out with them and be good.. although I haven't actually gone out out with them yet. But we enjoy each other...
And then I have people I have met through church. My schedule is kind of wonky but when I see some of them, I am definitely excited. There are some fun people there. But I AM SO GLAD that I have this safety net. That I have a connection with a larger group of people that I normally wouldn't have.

It was also funny when I told them I don't drink alcohol or coffee. They respected my decisions, which I appreciated.. But one even lamented about how nice it would be to not drink alcohol or coffee... How much more simplistic it would be... And less expensive.

She doesn't know my particular love of precocious chocolates.

Let it be known

I would choose to be a wife&mother over any career, school... 

Whatever. 

See random rant via www.randomanda.blogspot.com part B for why this came up 

😉

So I'm good?

Is it weird to almost be resigned to my own single-dom?
I mean.. I have solid friends and I am in a great place.
And I will always be in a great place.
Right?

He finally did it

I've been told that one of the ways to get over someone is to find out something about them that you don't like.. Or something like that. 

It happened... And I think it actually worked this time. 

I talked to Krista yesterday  and she told me that Scott had a NCMO buddy. This ultimately disappointed and annoyed me.. More than anything else he has done. And then I just felt.. Nothing 

I would like to point out too- that it's not a jealousy thing. If he were dating her, I wouldn't have an issue with that either. I want him to date. I want all my guys to find their one and only. I just don't dig the non committal thing. Especially since one of my friends recently got hurt from a "in the moment" fling. It meant something more to her.. Especially considering they had been friends for years. What a juice box 

Cha-Ching! It's done. And I am pleased. 

Not about London..

So there are dreadful YA books that I have read that will constantly describe guys to be so fit, so ripped, so whatever that they are "god-like." (I am so so sick of the gods...) This has been a common frustration for me for a while. Especially in Twilight when she refers to him as marble. Whatever. So dumb. Why would anyone honestly want to hug cold stone... although I don't go around hugging stone, so who knows right?

And then I did. Not really. Details first. A coworker from Seattle came out here because he is starting school at Oxford Brookes and I hung out with him for a bit. Too long, if you ask me. He flew in on Tuesday and I met up with him and we wandered. He wanted to hang out on Wednesday but I did Thursday instead. It was weird hanging out with him outside of work. So so strange. We rarely talked while we were AT work... and I spent hours with him. hoooouuurrs. I kept waiting for him to be like- Ok, I'm done with you.. But it just kept going. Thankfully on Thursday evening I had plans to go for institute and they do a dinner beforehand. I invited him and he came for the free food. It was so absurdly weird. I am not sure what was more awkward, now that I think about it. Me or him. (o.o) All and all it was fine. But before he took off, because he finally did call it quits.. He came to give me a hug. Disregarding the fact that I had never hugged him before and that was awkward, but it was just rock hard all around. And totally unappealing. I'm just sayin.
Gosh I miss Josh hugs. 

In other news... 

I am addicted to Downton Abbey.. It's a problem. I would not recommend it to Bekki.

School starts next week. I met some people from my program. They seem very nice. It's different to be at a school like this. My only uni experience was BYUI.. and that was obviously different. I am very very grateful for my time at BYUI, but this is seriously gonna be something out of the twilight zone. The people I've met are nice. Book people are nice people. All females (shocker) and people who have done less than I have prep-wise.. Which makes me feel better. AND I found out that I have a month & a half off at Christmas and I am done with classes in March. MARCH. After that I have to do my dissertation, but still.

I am looking at internships. It looks like they do a bunch of internships that are 2 week stints. I am thinking about applying to a bunch of those. Get some experiences. See what's happening while I am here. Then maybe I can get a solid one come next year? I think this is a good plan.

Random things I want to spill and just don't have time for the details at the moment.

I still have a thing for Josh and Scott. I was hoping the distance would make a difference. It hasn't.
This doesn't help with Krista sometimes sending me pictures.. Or pics from Jules of "my future children." (which is again a picture of scott as a child that his dad had posted on FB..) Amusing to be kept in the loop. Amusing for the joke.. It just gets old and is a slight stab and twist.
I need a distraction.

I stayed at the guys house one night before I left. I had plans with German the next morning so I opted to stay in their theatre room. I left my house with Josh with a taunt from Trisha "have fun at your sleepover!" Little did she know... I still have a visual of a sly and excited grin from Josh. "You're gonna stay, right?" I had a habit of going over there and staying till 1-2 AM, so for all Trisha and Krista knew that's what I did. It was weird to end late night conversations, say goodnight and go downstairs. Although to be honest, I had hit a point of referring to their house as mine. I had spent so much time there. I had cooked and cleaned. I made plans of "we" referring to me and the house. I did this a number of times and Josh always looked so pleased. I liked sleeping down there. It was cold and dark. Best of all worlds when in a Seattle summer.  (Krista and Trisha still don't know of this.. While the guys house don't see anything in this, Krista would be very exasperated.. and that amuses me)
I scared the crap out of German the next morning. He knew I was coming. I told him I was staying.. He didn't believe me and had left before I came. I came upstairs into the kitchen.. But I sometimes do this thing when I go up a ton of stairs that I will go on all fours.. So when I popped my head around the corner I wasn't at proper human height. I have never seen German look so alarmed and freaking out in all time knowing him. It  was kind of fantastic. Alarming because of the large knife he had in his hand, but no harm no foul.

I am going to see 39 steps (the play) with my new friend John on Tuesday. I am going to talk to him about being my movie buddy. They have a thing where if you sign up for a year, you can get unlimited movies for 19 a month. Unlimited. Movies.

I have had steady correspondence with Charlie. (GSC) It makes me very happy to hear from him.

"I won't tell anyone that you turn the world around.
I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound."
Ingrid Michaelson

Reasons why

I would never marry German: 

1- his hands 

2- he doesn't want kids. 

3- sometimes he flips a switch and becomes very indifferent to people or situations and I just don't think it's the best way to handle things. 

4- he is a kissing whore. 

5- pride 

6- won't let people help him. 

5 am.. Technically 9 pm

I should be sleeping but I can't get there. I got a solid 8 hours and then my body declared it was done sleeping.. at 3 am London time. Which is incredibly unfortunate.. I have been sporadically up since then.
I have responded to emails, texts and whatever else. (I mean everyone else is still on west coast time, so why not?) I have read my scriptures. I drank some water. I tried to go to sleep repeatedly.. It's all for nothing. My brain keeps clicking on with moments of excitement, amusement and other nonsense.

The most current thing rolling around my head is a moment... just a moment that I figure if I write it out it might just stop bugging me.

I had stayed late talking to him. It was a solid conversation. Families, faith, etc. Moments of lamenting that broke my heart to hear. He was better than this. He deserves better. It hit a point where I had to go. I'm sure I had work the next day and while he had more freedom with his job, I did not. I went to the door, gave him a hug.
"I love you," I told him while holding on to him so tight. It caught me off guard. While I would never deny this, it surprised me that I had said it.
"I love you, too."
I pulled back, kissed his forehead, quickly said my farewells and went home.

And in true fashion between the both of us, this moment was never discussed again. I mean, why would it be. It's now just rolling around my friggin head at 5 am. My own audacity always throws me for a loop. These things are really things I feel like I wouldn't normally do.. But for whatever reason, they keep happening more and more. Maybe this is becoming that thing I do.

But he has just been on my mind a lot lately.

Face-palm (o.O)

It's amazing how I can make an idiot out of myself 1500 miles away.

So Krista likes to keep me updated on random things going on. She will send me pictures of activities.. of the guys.. stuff going on and around. I kind of love it because I feel like I am still part of things. Tonight she sent me a picture of Josh. Straight in the face, obvious picture of Josh. He's been gone for the week and hadn't shaved at all. He is generally a very clean shaven individual.
But.. I might be a sucker for scruff.
I might be a bit of a sucker for facial hair..
And I am already a sucker for Josh.
 He's really quality. He's the best of the best. I hope one day he will find what he is looking for.

But that is not the point. The point IS is that Krista sent me the picture and my reaction was as follows.
"Hahahhahahaaa.
How did you get that.
That's hilarious.
And daaaaaaaaaamnn
CURSE YOU JOSH!!"
....
"Ruh roh..  He's gonna see this isn't he..."
Krista: Too late...
Me: Shut up..
Please please respond...
I really need to know what level of embarrassment I should be at.."
Krista: I'm sorry!! They all came at once. There was one response when I clicked on the app then the floodgates of hoover dam opened.
He laughed. Hard."
Me: Oh craaaaaap.
I.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do now"
Krista: You should be flattered. He doesn't laugh that way easily. plus it was right after he saw Aubrey so it's a good thing.
Me; I. Am Speachless...
----
Krista: No words, just big grin and deep laugh
--

Oh-my-gosh. You know, what's funny about the whole thing is that I can kind of see that big grin and deep laugh. Man, I love him. He cracks me up. I may have texted him just to break the ice. Just a - hey, you're back from your trip.- kind of text. I can just see the smirk on his face when he sees it's from me. I can see the wheels in his head turning. And because I have made an idiot out of myself on so many occasions.. I can peg his reaction even down to the tilt of his head.

I-love-you. Why is that so hard?

Passive ways to say it:

"Love ya!"
"I love your guts"
"You too!"

Ugh. I find myself being so passive about this. It's like I can't commit or I don't want to FREAK anyone out by saying "I-LOVE-YOU."

Why is that scary? I do. This shouldn't SURPRISE you. I hold you it high esteem! I think you're totally top notch! Why can't I say it? We're friends! There seems to be a big thing involved by saying it even just to friends.

Which is further alarming when I get German telling me he loves me right and left. No passive voice. Just full out- point blank. I love you.

Nicely done, sir. But he's not one to dance around or be subtle about it.

I don't do half-assed though. (I'm not even going to do Liza's "half-fast" line.) I am all in. I tend to overflow with my particular regard. It's brimming. There's no stopping it. I just have a hard time saying it without adding that safety cushion.

This was random.

Benefit of being gone

So.. Come to find there is a benefit of being gone from my home town for so long. I went to my old job and there were quite a few people i still knew there. It was great to see them. And in the beginning there was usually an exclamation from every person about how great I look. Shock on their faces. 

Yes... I am pretty sure the last time they saw me/I worked there I was : 

40 pounds heavier 

Wearing clothes that were too big and unflattering. (This included this terrible denim skirt, probably black shirt and knew high socks and white superman shoes...) 

Wearing my hair in pigtails on a regular basis.. 

I had the same reaction from a friends dad. "Amanda! You look.. DIFFERENT.... Good different..." 

So yes. I do look great, don't i? Especially In contrast to what I was, this is a definite improvement. 

And this is by no means a plea for commentary.. But more of an observation to myself of myself.. But it's only been in the last year or so that I have consistently thought of myself as pretty.. Attractive.. Whatever. I had moments where I thought I looked nice.. And my friends (always girls) would sing praises, but it never really sat right. 

Yes, I still feel like I could exercise more, eat less sugar.. These are things to improve on.. But still... To look in the mirror and realize that I'm worth looking at. It's new. 

I agree to the WEIRDEST things!!

Not ONLY THAT, but I often OFFER it.

For example.

I was talking to German via text- ages ago, (February? March?)  and in the course of conversation he asked me who I liked. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I ended up telling him. Why did I tell him? I don't know! Because especially via text and ESPECIALLY with him I have an "anything goes" thought process. Which is the worst because he will hold it against me later. And tease to no end.
Especially since the guys in question are his roommates.
Oy-vey.

You're in love with my house! - he exclaimed
Only half. - I retorted.

But also in the course of this conversation I requested, nay begged him to not tease me about my red faced-ness. It was pretty prominent at the time and anything could really trigger it. He told me he would, if he could hug me as long as he wanted without commentary from me..
Whuuut. (misspelled on purpose for extra emphasis and how i am currently saying it...)
He had had the habit lately of hugging me for a really long time and I always tried to escape, exclaiming my discomfort.. because it's awkward to stand there while this man embraced me for a while. Especially awkward when people were around. Or his girlfriend...

Why do you hug me for such a long time- I asked him.
It's how I show you how much I care.
Why can't you just say, 'hey amanda, I think you're swell...' I responded, snarkily.
That doesn't work for me.

So I ended up agreeing, figuring there was a loophole. I mean, if I don't let him hug me, then he can't hug me for a long time, right? (which is dumb because i'm a hugger. i love hugs. when is this gonnastopnever.)

So I got looped into these ridiculous hugs that lasted such a long time. It was especially amusing because I would sometimes just stand there... Hands to my sides after I got my initial hug over with. And then he started to amp it up. . . and he would nuzzle my neck. Yup. That's right. And you can only imagine my reaction then.. Which was me totally wigging out. Which is why he continued to do it..

This elongated hug turned into a sandwich of Scott coming up from behind and hugging German.. But with me in the middle. Weird. But I had had a crush on the guy so.. let's be honest. I didn't care. Sometimes German would hug me and then hold on to get Scotts attention and pivot me so that Scott could come up and embrace us.

And then it turned into Josh joining as well from the side. So then I was in the middle of these three men. Who then decided I was getting to used to their antics and would all start nuzzling me! All of them. Sometimes this happened at their house.. Sometimes at activities.. The worst was when it happened after sacrament meeting.. or after a baptism. Awkward.
"No, guys! No! Not here!" I would be standing there, flailing a little.. Arms and legs.
They would release me and one would always exclaim, Amanda, why is your face so red!?!

The weird thing was that I continued to just take it. It was funny. And sometimes it's just easier to go along with the antics then fight against them.

The OTHER weird thing I agreed to was: this smirking deal I made with Scott.
I was always smirking.. About something. Anything really. I think that's just my resting face. It's better than a scowl. Scott was always really up in arms about it. Asking, pestering.. Sometimes I told him.. Usually I didn't. As I said before, it's a dangerous playground.

So to get him to get off my back I made a deal.. This was my idea even. I told him that each month he would get 5 opportunities to ask me what I was smirking about and I would have to answer.

Whuut.

In the course of this, we made rules as it went along. If he thought of a rule first, I had to follow.. and vise versa. I got myself in some really awkward situations with that. So so awkward.
And what did I get out of it? NOTHING. My own embarrassment and awkwardness.
How many times can I say awkward in one post? I am thinking it's A LOT! Gah!
WHAT THE WHAT!?

I am on drugs and need to be medicated.

Why did these particular instances come to mind? Oh because I did it again. I was playing my guitar tonight and I decided to record myself because I wanted to see what it sounded like.
Not terrible. I'm not pitchy. BUT I am nasal and sound really young. I'm not sure if that's normal or just because I'm sick.

What do I do? I text German (and Emily, actually) that I did this. And of course, German said
"send it to me."
psh
"come on!"

And because it's German and because he has some weird power over me, I told him I would after I wasn't sick anymore. A parting gift of sorts. He really liked that idea.

Which is all fine and good, but let's remember something.. I don't like playing in front of people. And while I won't be playing in front of anyone.. It will be recorded and he could play it for anyone. At least when I played for people it was a one-hit-wonder.

Today was a Scott-oriented day.

I was talking to Christine and she informed me that, while she had been in more relationships than I have, but I have had "comparable experiences being intimate (I hate using that word)- like physically." The explanation behind that particular story will come later... But she also informed me that because I was so close to "the guys," having deep talks, personal disclosure, comfort level... That we were pretty close. 

And then she informed me that I had found my perfect man between the four of my guys. 

"Scott for good looks, flirting and charm. 

German for friendship, companionship, fun talks and personal feedback. 

Chris for general horseplay. 

Josh for good quality good-guy-ness and sincerity. 

You put all those together, it's pretty much the perfect man."

I'm alarmed to say that she might be right. I tell Christine everything. Mostly. 97% . So I definitely trust her judgement in all things. So.. There it is. Reason number 5 as to why I am perpetually single. 

AND THEN! So I was up till 3 this morning and so I felt pretty crappy toward 2 pm. I crashed out at 3 for a chunk of time. I had the weirdest dream and the last part of the dream was all Scott. 

He called, telling me that they really needed this contraption for the fhe activity that was happening now. Could I please go to the post office next door to me and ship it to them. (Apparently there is immediate delivery.) mind I was ten minutes away. No one could come get it themselves. I told him again and again that this was a horrible plan. It would be outrageously expensive. And that the big white van that had been stolen from me had been returned and I could bring it to the activity. And that the woman who had stolen had also bought a solid gold vase with my credit card. 

The dream ends with me dropping my phone and his voice saying my name again and again. The voice was spot on, right on to that timbre of his voice. 

I woke up in a daze. Thought it was so so weird. And in that daze I started to text him to tell him of this dream. I looked at it and thought "too many words!" And proceeded to call him, hoping that he wouldn't pick up so I could leave a long message which I love doing.. But also hoping that he would so we could laugh about my ridiculousness. 

He didn't pick up. I left a message. It cut me off, it was so long. But it gave me an option to either keep it or rerecord. I couldn't remember which button to push. I opted to rerecord. So not only did I tell this story, but I did it twice. 

Definitely word vomited all over him. But I used to do that all the time. It's like a parting gift. 

His response "I wasn't able to listen to the whole thing, but it sounds pretty darn fantastic. I really need that ice cream maker. So, if you could get on that..." 

And then I got this picture from Julia on snapchat: 

I didn't know who it was at first.. I asked who the father was. 

My reaction... 

shock and amusement.. 

Yea.. Downward spiral. 

Didn't help that I proceeded to text him later some nonsense. 

Colleen couldn't get his last name. She was so amused. And then decided that he belonged in a dickens novel. 

Downward spiral. 

I've pissed off some Greek god in the course of my life

I am a 29 year old single girl who has never been in a real relationship. 

Sometimes in my darkest of times I think back on these moments that I made weird choices. 

For example.. To name a few.. 

Opting to tell the friend of the guy I liked that I would rather go to the homecoming dance with my friends. I think I didn't understand that he was interested in actually asking me. 

That time I was walking back from stadium singing at byui and some guy started chatting me up. I was fairly confused on why he was talking to me. "I need to catch up with my friends." It had been a bad choice because they were flirting with each other. I was third wheel. He looked dejected. 

Once when I was probably 7, we were visiting Colorado and I was hanging out with my best fried. I remember being on a swing having a good ole time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I just laughed. 

Maniacally. 

Swinging back and forth. 

Laughing. 

I just think karma can be a bitch..

GSC Moments

It took me a long time for Charlie to admit that we were friends. Which means this also involved many many therapy sessions.. Talks regarding girls.. Building up Charlie moments.. Generally while helping him change over OpenStock. And sometimes on sunny days walking to the International District.

We got way too comfortable towards the end..

-

Me:  Charlie! There are certain unspoken rules that I expect from you. and you should expect from me. If there is something large and green in your teeth, I'm going to tell you. (he proceeds to get anxious and pick at his teeth.) If you happen to have stuff in your beard, I am going to tell you. If-your-fly-is-down, I will tell you. I expect the same courtesy.

GSC: Did one of these happen and I not notice?

Me: Yes! My fly was down and ... you.. didn't ... actually notice... (me awkward)

GSC: Oh, I didn't see. I know you well enough that I would have told you...

Me Well.. Good.. Cause you should.. .

GSC (yelling) : Amanda is exposing herself at work again!!

-

So one day at lunch Allison came in and grunted at Charlie. She then had an exasperated sigh when he looked at her blankly. "Come on, Charlie! Use your BRAIN!" and she gestured to the paper towels.
To which I responded with, " Come on Allison, USE YOUR WORDS."
Shoo- if anyone is going to make fun of Charlie, it's gonna be me.

-

Me: Hey, Charlie. Have you ever seen Swing Kids?
GSC: No, I have seen kids in swings.

-

I walked up to GSC & Gabe talking..
"We're talking about something you don't understand.."
My almost response: "PENIS?"

-

I was wearing a TCC shirt that I found while rummaging through my things.. I wonder why I don't wear this, I thought to myself. It was one with the silhouettes of the 5 guys that I had had Robbie sign at one of the shows.. He also opted to draw on another guys face, just for good measure.. Well.. The silhouettes were right across my chest.. Which also meant that the signature and face were overly prominent. I didn't notice until later. It was too late.
Charlie at some point was standing half way down the aisle and asked what was on the shirt. I pulled out the shirt to explain.. But he realized that he had been caught staring at my chest. My fairly large chest.
Ooops.
He was mortified. His face turned very red.
It-was-hilarious.

-

Charlie also had a big thing about my "boyfriend" Eduardo. (He raises iguanas.) Charlie was always singing Eddie's praises.. Demanding that we get back together because Eddie loves me... The problem with this conversation was that I had had it in my mind once that I was going to have German come to my work and pretend to be Eduardo.. Just to confuse and alarm the lot of them. So I started thinking of German as Eduardo. When I told Charlie stories about German, he would sometimes look confused so I would substitute Eduardo in for the story which made things clearer. But not at all, actually.

-

Boss: Want to come and get a beer after work?
Me; Yes
Boss (surprised): Really?
Me: Yes.
GSC: If you're gonna start, you better start with us.
Boss: You don't drink, do you?
Me: No

I've been there for two years at this point. My standard response of "No, I don't drink" hasn't sunk in?
There's no hope at this point.
Keep up!

-

Charlie came down from 7th floor one afternoon and he looked moon struck.
GSC: I just saw you upstairs.
Me: Oh! My sisters here!
GSC: I just saw you upstairs.
Me: I told you my sister was coming.
GSC: I was talking to Patty and the elevator opened and Patty got really excited. Why is she all excited, it's just Amanda. I thought... She looks just like you. Just-like-you.
Me: (laughing)
GSC: AMANDA HAS A TWIN!

I met Bekki downstairs and the first thing she says when we round the corner.
Charlie is caaa-ute! 
Vindication. I'm not just crazy. It's not just the smell.

I may have told Charlie about this conversation. Sometimes he just needs a pick me up. A compliment from my happily married sister and mother of four seemed a safe place. He gets so awkward so easy. He was so pleased. It carried him through the rest of that day. And whenever my sister gets brought up in conversation, he makes a point to say a special hello.

-

We did a white elephant gift exchange for a YSA activity and I got a toy bow and arrow and plastic knife kit. It-was-awesome. I immediately brought it to work and shot people during slow times. The bow and arrows eventually fell apart and I was left with my plastic knife that I would wait to throw at anyone until the first shift employees were gone. It looked menacing and I didn't want to explain. I would randomly throw it at people. Mostly Charlie. Because he would bring it back to me. Like a dog.
Until one fateful day.. I always tried to aim for backs and butts. It seemed like a safe zone and wouldn't cause accidental harm. Until it did. He was standing by the elevator and I chucked my knife, lazily, and he turned at the right/wrong moment and it totally hit him in the crotch. He wasn't doubled over.. But it grazed him apparently.. It was enough. I- was- mortified.
I immediately threw my plastic toy knife away.
He told me it was okay.. that I didn't need to.. But it was just.. too close for my comfort, let alone his..

-

He was always telling me about his girl woes. I think the best moment was telling him about my guy issues. He was so pleased to be in the know. Joy actually radiated off his face. He now had ammunition for teasing. He could give horrible advice. And yet I still went to him with questions, too. Weird.
His big thing was: wear yellow.
Tell the guy you like him.. and be sure to wear yellow. It capture the eye and will make it so he can't look away.
Are you going to see him? Are you going to wear yellow?
Did you wear yellow.
Boo-yah.

-

And then there was that one time that Krista blatantly hit on Charlie at an OR shindig. Blatantly. Over the top pick up lines.. I was mortified. My face was beet red. Charlie's was too, but he can hide it better behind that damn beard. After the BBQ he was gone for a week so I had a good chunk of time to dwell on it before he came back and I could address it.. Pulling him down an aisle away from people..
"She was doing it to make me uncomfortable.. She doesn't do that in real life.. I'm so sorry."
He just shyly acknowledged it and said he knew she was just trying to make me uncomfortable. He and I will bring it up on occasion. Krista became Krista-theonewhoblatantlyhitonyou. (all one word.)

-

Shortly after this guy Dan started working warehouse, Charlie and I were bickering about something. We tended to do this a lot. I thought it was hilarious. Besides the fact Charlie drove me crazy sometimes and I had no problem pointing it out. Dan was eyeing us.
"Mom and Dad are fighting again!" he whined.
(Amanda red face)

-
One day GSC came to me and asked where I got my jeans because the ones he likes aren't carried at Target anymore. (weird.) This led to a conversation on whether or not he should just get more cargo pants, like the ones he wears for work. The ones he got FROM work. Like the ones he never washed.
Me: No, you should just get jeans.
Him: Yea, you're probably riiight.
Me: Don't take this too personal, but you just look better in jeans.
Him: cchhheeekk- with a cocky smirk and began to pose.

-

A few months before I quit, Kimvu came to me and asked if I had a crush on Charlie. I was thoroughly amused. Especially since I knew he was going to ask. He had a look on his face and had been eyeing us for weeks. Whenever I would be talking to Charlie.. Whenever we were having a good laugh, Kimvu was there, smirking and watching. Always watching.
Anyway, so he came and and asked me this. I laughed. Truth be told, I didn't answer the question. I am not actually sure how long I had a crush on Charlie. He was just that constant in my life that I liked for a long time. It was easy. It was funny. It got me through a dull dull job.
But I was absolutely not going to tell Kimvu that. Why would I?
I did tell this to Charlie. At least this conversation with Kimvu. I told him about it, amused, but hesitant.
We had a good laugh about this.

GSC: Actually, he asked me the same thing a couple days ago.
I was shocked. I was very pleased with this. It meant that even though I was over the top obvious about my crush on Charlie or at least my regard for him.. I was glad that it was being seen on his side too.
GSC proceeded to explain that Kimvu doesn't understand that guys and girls can be friends.

Yes yes. That's all well and good.. I still win.

-
Me: Hey, Charlie.. I hope you don't take this too personally.. but I'm really going to miss you when you're gone.
GSC: Yea, I'm gonna miss you too.

GSC

I lost all sense of reasoning. I worked with him for 2 1/2 years and for the first chunk I had the biggest crush on this guy. I blamed it strictly on the Old Spice Sport that he wore. It was like a cloud that followed him around. It addled my brain and I would word vomit all over him. Anything I was thinking, within reason. Thankfully, it never went to such a level of telling him this.

Because he worked with me, none of my room-mates/friends ever saw him so I couldn't confirm whether he was attractive or not or it was really the Old Spice addling my brain. Let-me-tell-you, it messed with it good. It took a long time to be normal, and those residual feeling remained for a long time.

It took a long long time for us to actually be friends. Not "hang out outisde work," friends.. Just "getting through the day," friends. I am okay with that. Over this time, he became such a solid good friends.

It is hard to know where to start with my stories about Charlie, but we'll start with this:

How I Spent My Monday:

"I didn't realize how drunk I was on Friday night. I went home and completely passed out."

Lightbulb

"Ah," I said, "that would explain..." (exaggerated pause)

"Explain what," a tinge of consternation appeared on his face.

"Oh, nothing. Just our conversation to the bus stop." I returned to reading the Harry Potter book I've read half a dozen times knowing full well that no one could call me out on my crap since my one companion to the bus on Friday night wasn't coherent.

"Well, what did I say? Was it something offensive?" He asked repeatedly, obviously concerned.

"You know, it's in the past. No big deal. It's nothing to be concerned about," I assured him, with an air of nonchalance and that annoying smirk on my face that perpetually gives me away when I try to play a joke and/or lie. I avoided eye contact with him, for fear of him seeing the lie. He caught something.

"Either you're playing a trick on me," he said slowly, his brow furrowed and eyes were slits. We made eye contact. Blast, the gig is up for sure! "Or.... your silence means that I did say something!"

Shoot and score.

I left the room trying to reassure him that he didn't offend me at all.

I'll find out. I will."

I smirked as I went about my business. He walked past me occasionally and 95% of the time, he would remind me in undertones that he would find out. Or ask repeatedly if it had been offensive. I would shrug and tell him not to concern himself. "Don't worry about it, it's okay." I was a broken record.

At one of these solid gold moments I told him that the great thing about alcohol is that it's almost like a truth serum. Ask the right questions and you get a wealth of information.

This did not comfort him.

It was a roller-coaster of a day because sometimes he would assure/reassure himself and me that he wouldn't have said/done anything. That the things he's done in the past that he felt were a big deal weren't to other people. Then I would let something slip and he'd be back to complete consternation that I knew something he desperately wanted to know, that he couldn't remember. I avoided looking at him all day, for fear he'd catch on to me. I couldn't keep this going. I couldn't stop smirking.

But you can only keep these things going for so long. Right? So in true Amanda fashion, I attempted to tell him that, in fact, he hadn't done anything. He took this as me trying to be nice and just covering it up.

You just can't win with some people...

Solid use for a Monday.

Present Tense

This is not a moment of flashback but of present day.

I had a moment today, thinking, pondering.. Realizing that there are certain promises and blessings that come from covenants I have made. I don't know why, but it's so hard for me to admit that the one thing I want in the world is really to get married and have a family Maybe it's because it's the one thing I can't acquire on my own.. I am returning to school this fall. Why? Because I have nothing else to do. I mean, this is a subject that I love, that if I am going to have a career, this is what I would want. So until I get what I really want, I can pursue plan B.

I went to the temple today and while this is ultimately a place of happiness and peace.. I ran into my brothers ex-mother-in-law. This would be totally different if it was my brothers ex-wife.. I knew her better. She had actually been part of my family. In name only, I guess.
But I came up to this woman. She asked for my last name. I told her. She hesitated only for a second.
"I'm Derek's little sister," I said.
"Yes, I thought you looked familiar."

Not gonna lie, it was slightly awkward. I have never done anything to her. She has never done anything to me.. but her daughter hurt my brother. That was enough to make things weird.

The Beginning. A truth to be universally acknowledged by me.

I was trying to explain to my friend the various nonsense/stories of my friends/life and I felt like there was too much to explain.. Too much back story here that she never received.

There will be several major players here. Girls generally just bring drama anyway. The guys are where the stories begin.

It was a cold January morning in WA. I show up to church minding my own business as usual and I see a guy I met last summer. He had been an intern and he was now here to stay. Tall, thick, short strawberry blonde hair. Really good looking, and I am certain he knows it. Man, I had had such a crush on him last summer, and he was back. Oh how the ladies heads will turn.

He sees me. "Amanda! How are you?" He comes up and hugs me. I am caught off guard. I, of course, hug him back. I am a huggy person. But I didn't realize we were good enough friends for that.
"Hey, Scott, welcome back." Social pleasantry, social pleasantry. It's not important.
We go about our daily business.

It's after Sacrament meeting that I gather in a circle of my friends, talking about the Christmas break, catching up, whatever.. And then these man arms come around me to embrace me around my shoulders from behind.
In an instant, my brain files through the people I know that would do this.
No one.
I look down at them arms and slightly recognize the sleeve. I look at my friend to confirm. I mouth his name. She nods.
And my face turns beet red.
Instantly.
I can feel it burn.
I am frantic inside. No. no. That crush is over.
Brian looks at me and loudly announces "Amanda, your face is so red! Why... ohhhhh..." he looked up at Scott. He looked at me. Understanding dawns as he continues to tease. A mental palm-face action occurs. Scott let go of me. I tried to not so subtly get Brian to shut up. He keeps teasing. I am mortified. Inside I am screaming. No! I don't even have a crush on him!  I try to calm my face down. It's telling secrets that I am not willing to acknowledge or realize that I have. Brian will continue this teasing for the next 4 months.

I overhear Scott talking to someone while standing next to me. "Amanda and I are in love."
Who IS this guy?!
"Yea, that would be good if you filled me in on that..." I respond quietly.

But this was the beginning. Not when I met him last summer. This was the beginning of all pending ridiculousness. And my awkward.
The red face continued. I couldn't avoid him. He was everywhere. He lives in a house of some buddies of mine. I see him at activities. At any social gathering. And unfortunately, whenever we made eye contact.. My face goes red. It didn't matter if he was right next to me or across the room. I remember distinctly smirking to myself one day, because I was always smirking, but he caught me. Red-face.
"I didn't even doing anything!" he exclaimed.

The problem also stemmed down to the smirking. I am always smirking. I think that's my resting face. Some girls have a sullen expression..a smile..  or that 'resting bitch face.' No, I have a smirk. My mind is wandering to dangerous places. I see an attractive guy, I'm smirking. My mind wanders to making out with that attractive guy, the smirk continues. What can I say. This is my truth.
But then I get caught and they ask. They always ask.
"Oh, you don't want to know," I tell them. "It's a dangerous playground."
Who are they? German, Scott and Josh. And were they to have the ammunition of where my brain actually was, they would be the most dangerous.

General thoughts at the time, by me: 
School applications
Guys
Embarrassment
List making
Epic plans
Chocolate
Food
Kissing
Guys
Packing
Lesson for RS I need to teach
The Classic Crime (band)
Murder story I am writing.
Details of story I was reading.
Letters
Daaaamn he's attractive.
Intimidation, run away.

It became a way of being. The red-face. I accept that it will happen and he knows it too. We all laugh, Brian teases, and I punch him. German, Brian and Scott would tease. I would retaliate with a punch/smack in the arm or gut.

Fast-forward a bit. I was talking to my friend German once.. And he has a tendency to be a no-nonsense kind of person. It's insane to me that we are friends. He is completely apathetic and I am seriously the complete opposite. I had had a couple friends tell me once that he had a conversation about what they should improve on. Quite audacious of him, if you ask me. Maybe they asked him for it? I was curious what he would say about me. One day I summoned the courage and asked, bringing up the girls he had talked to. I asked him what to do to actually open up a door to dating, because I am so bad at it. He told me to:
1. Stop hitting. That guys sometimes will tease and flirt, but my response of hitting is friend-zoning me and will make it so they aren't interested at all.
2. Flirt more
3. Show more leg. (this is comical.. cause really I am limited..)
But other than that, he told me there was nothing. (This still shocks me, thinking on it.) Apparently I am down to Earth. Smart, cool girl.. etc. Huh. Weird. I've always just thought I was a goon. I was fully expecting some really solid advice.. Besides those three things, I mean... Shoot.. I can do that.

Okay, so I bring this story up for a reason. So I am going to have a moment of honesty here that I actually hate to admit to. I wonder if things would have been different. If I hadn't responded in a violent manner to my own embarrassment. One time Scott came up behind me and pinched the back of my arm. I hate my arms. It's one of those things I am the most self concious about, I retaliated by grabbing his arm and firmly saying, 'never do that again.' I relaxed my face, but there was still essence of shock on his. Various moments like this that maybe I think I shot myself in the foot? Also realizing and acknowledging that he's an uber flirt with almost every female. I am not his type by any means, and I sincerely doubt I would ever be on his radar.. but that doesn't mean I need to pre-emptively shut it down.

Curiouser and curiouser.