I was trying to explain to my friend the various nonsense/stories of my friends/life and I felt like there was too much to explain.. Too much back story here that she never received.
There will be several major players here. Girls generally just bring drama anyway. The guys are where the stories begin.
It was a cold January morning in WA. I show up to church minding my own business as usual and I see a guy I met last summer. He had been an intern and he was now here to stay. Tall, thick, short strawberry blonde hair. Really good looking, and I am certain he knows it. Man, I had had such a crush on him last summer, and he was back. Oh how the ladies heads will turn.
He sees me. "Amanda! How are you?" He comes up and hugs me. I am caught off guard. I, of course, hug him back. I am a huggy person. But I didn't realize we were good enough friends for that.
"Hey, Scott, welcome back." Social pleasantry, social pleasantry. It's not important.
We go about our daily business.
It's after Sacrament meeting that I gather in a circle of my friends, talking about the Christmas break, catching up, whatever.. And then these man arms come around me to embrace me around my shoulders from behind.
In an instant, my brain files through the people I know that would do this.
No one.
I look down at them arms and slightly recognize the sleeve. I look at my friend to confirm. I mouth his name. She nods.
And my face turns beet red.
Instantly.
I can feel it burn.
I am frantic inside. No. no. That crush is over.
Brian looks at me and loudly announces "Amanda, your face is so red! Why... ohhhhh..." he looked up at Scott. He looked at me. Understanding dawns as he continues to tease. A mental palm-face action occurs. Scott let go of me. I tried to not so subtly get Brian to shut up. He keeps teasing. I am mortified. Inside I am screaming. No! I don't even have a crush on him! I try to calm my face down. It's telling secrets that I am not willing to acknowledge or realize that I have. Brian will continue this teasing for the next 4 months.
I overhear Scott talking to someone while standing next to me. "Amanda and I are in love."
Who IS this guy?!
"Yea, that would be good if you filled me in on that..." I respond quietly.
But this was the beginning. Not when I met him last summer. This was the beginning of all pending ridiculousness. And my awkward.
The red face continued. I couldn't avoid him. He was everywhere. He lives in a house of some buddies of mine. I see him at activities. At any social gathering. And unfortunately, whenever we made eye contact.. My face goes red. It didn't matter if he was right next to me or across the room. I remember distinctly smirking to myself one day, because I was always smirking, but he caught me. Red-face.
"I didn't even doing anything!" he exclaimed.
The problem also stemmed down to the smirking. I am always smirking. I think that's my resting face. Some girls have a sullen expression..a smile.. or that 'resting bitch face.' No, I have a smirk. My mind is wandering to dangerous places. I see an attractive guy, I'm smirking. My mind wanders to making out with that attractive guy, the smirk continues. What can I say. This is my truth.
But then I get caught and they ask. They always ask.
"Oh, you don't want to know," I tell them. "It's a dangerous playground."
Who are they? German, Scott and Josh. And were they to have the ammunition of where my brain actually was, they would be the most dangerous.
General thoughts at the time, by me:
School applications
Guys
Embarrassment
List making
Epic plans
Chocolate
Food
Kissing
Guys
Packing
Lesson for RS I need to teach
The Classic Crime (band)
Murder story I am writing.
Details of story I was reading.
Letters
Daaaamn he's attractive.
Intimidation, run away.
It became a way of being. The red-face. I accept that it will happen and he knows it too. We all laugh, Brian teases, and I punch him. German, Brian and Scott would tease. I would retaliate with a punch/smack in the arm or gut.
Fast-forward a bit. I was talking to my friend German once.. And he has a tendency to be a no-nonsense kind of person. It's insane to me that we are friends. He is completely apathetic and I am seriously the complete opposite. I had had a couple friends tell me once that he had a conversation about what they should improve on. Quite audacious of him, if you ask me. Maybe they asked him for it? I was curious what he would say about me. One day I summoned the courage and asked, bringing up the girls he had talked to. I asked him what to do to actually open up a door to dating, because I am so bad at it. He told me to:
1. Stop hitting. That guys sometimes will tease and flirt, but my response of hitting is friend-zoning me and will make it so they aren't interested at all.
2. Flirt more
3. Show more leg. (this is comical.. cause really I am limited..)
But other than that, he told me there was nothing. (This still shocks me, thinking on it.) Apparently I am down to Earth. Smart, cool girl.. etc. Huh. Weird. I've always just thought I was a goon. I was fully expecting some really solid advice.. Besides those three things, I mean... Shoot.. I can do that.
Okay, so I bring this story up for a reason. So I am going to have a moment of honesty here that I actually hate to admit to. I wonder if things would have been different. If I hadn't responded in a violent manner to my own embarrassment. One time Scott came up behind me and pinched the back of my arm. I hate my arms. It's one of those things I am the most self concious about, I retaliated by grabbing his arm and firmly saying, 'never do that again.' I relaxed my face, but there was still essence of shock on his. Various moments like this that maybe I think I shot myself in the foot? Also realizing and acknowledging that he's an uber flirt with almost every female. I am not his type by any means, and I sincerely doubt I would ever be on his radar.. but that doesn't mean I need to pre-emptively shut it down.
Curiouser and curiouser.
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