I have been thinking too much and I spiraled a bit.

I don't know if this is a cliche. I've never actually seen seen my friends do this, but you know when a guy breaks up with the girl and she just sobs, eats ice cream and watches chick flicks?

I am having that moment. Considering the fact that I haven't ended a relationship, this sounds completely absurd, but that's the closest comparison I can come to at the moment.

It was this moment of acknowledging again that I'm 31 years old and have never:
1. been in a relationship
2. been kissed
3. had a guy show any remote interest in me. (maybe some interest has been made, but it's always the bad ones.. like he's a perv.. or he's a decade younger than me-gross.)

I find this utterly ridiculous and entirely discouraging.

I'm at my friends house last night and she invites Travis over. Oh, Travis. The guy I've known for a decade and liked off and on since then. I'm apparently back to on. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend (that he has never actually mentioned). Ugh. But that doesn't stop him from inviting me to random things and then showing interest towards things I suggest.

Good. That's what friends do, right? That's great.

Unfortunately, my mind is a tangled web of liking the fool, so it's confusing.

So I am on my way home and I get flooded with:
I've been single forever.
No guys show interest.
What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna be alone forever.

It's not like I haven't had these thoughts before, I have.. But this time it's hit a little harder and wrecked me completely.

And then I drove by the Provo City Center Temple, and that shining beacon of eternal truths instead of giving me any comfort just smacks me in the face with my own loneliness.

And I spiral.

And I hurt.

I tried to talk to Charlie. I knew he was up and I wanted to text.. someone. And it was easier to write it than say it. And I didnt want to talk to Christine. He sympathizes and says he understands. He doesn't understand.

Christine tried to comfort me today with talk about my relationships with the people I know. Of what they are to me and I to them.
That's nice.

I thought about months ago when Ronnie was here and we talked about a lot of things. I realized during this conversation that it might be a good thing that I hadn't dated a lot, because as much as I love my friends.. I can't even fathom what a relationship would do especially if it ended.
That logic is failing me.

You know these people that have real things hindering them. A past relationship they can't get past or trying to deal with a past... or.. singles with kids... What's hindering me? I don't have a sordid history. I'm kind of introverted, but not enough that I'm that weird or awkward. I have solid friends that would vouch for me, I think.

Maybe it's just.. me.

Christine asked if she could have her boyfriend over today. She told me I could say no.
I said no.
It wasn't a matter of having him over. I don't care if he's over anymore.
It was a matter of them being cute in the living room, and me pissed and crying in my room thinking about setting them on fire. (I've never actually thought about that... I'm just annoyed and channeling lucille..)

I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to write and send this into the internetal-abyss.

And I'm running off to England in a couple months.

In the mean-time, I return to my early 2000's chick-flicks. They serve as good distractions while I fall for the story and mock the implausibility of it all.

Screw-everyone.

It is weird to have guy friends that are married...

Obviously this is different with people like... Julia and Brian. I'm friends with Brian, but more friends with Julia.

But I went to my best friends play tonight. It was awesome. It's not strange that I would go and support my friend, it's not strange that I would bring him pie... but it suddenly felt weird when I was chatting with his dad and his in-laws walked up. Suddenly I feel like the dynamic changes with my friend because we just have an odd brother-sister friendship. He is standing there talking to everyone, bouncing his shoulder off of mine, while I punch him in the arm every time he hops bounds off. People generally associate me as friends with his sister. Which I am. She was first. His dad introduced me as such.. So it seemed weird that I was there for him. It's just a weird dynamic when there are new people around that don't understand. It is kind of like when he got set apart to be a missionary... He is a very huggy person, and then suddenly we were orbiting around rooms to avoid each other. That's what his marriage feels like. I'm probably reading into this.

At the end of the day, I need to become better friends with his wife. I think I would feel better about it if we were friends.

Few things

Christine has been on my case about updating A blog... I haven't had the time.. And it passes so quickly but there are some things I've been thinking that should get out.

Uber fail- 
I pride myself in my loyalty to my friends. This is a huge deal to me and I don't take it lightly. Hell hath no fury, and all that. Unfortunately.. I betrayed one. I think he's probably over it. But he was going through a hard time and I was persuaded by comments and opinions of others. I knew of his heartache. He had confided in me... And in some random rampage I got on his case. He, quite justly, put me back in my place. This happened a while ago... but I promised to butt-out. That I wouldn't listen to anyone who brought it up. I would not do this again.
I also told him that I would no longer text him past 11 pm my time.. because that's when the crazy really comes out... Not even just in pestering him but I just start texting whatever I am thinking. It just flows. DANGER DANGER!
Anyway. I think we're good. But that was an interesting and utterly devastating moment.

Planning my life away
I was ALSO just planning. Anyone who knows/talks to me knows that I am an obsessive planner. I can't stop. So here I am.. end of March and I am planning things for December/January. This is fruitless... So much can change by then.
I'm planning on:
Getting home in December.
Getting a car
Getting LASIK
Moving back to Seattle.
On the way stopping in Utah for a couple days and having a grand reunion.
You're all invited.
Hahah.
I keep longing for this moment. I'm clearly
1. Not in my right mind.
2. Not very happy right now.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS!
I have a great life! I have friends! I'm doing great things! I'm in LONDON!
Alas... I just get so lost in missing.
But I know when I leave I will miss people here! So I might as well have a good time.
Also... I can technically go home as of end of August. As long as I have the funds- I am staying till December. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STUPID NOT TO!
And I would regret it. 

The guys still boggle my mind...
I used to have a tendency to surround myself with females. It's easy and no pressure to it. These are people to hang out with.. Suddenly guys were around and I went tongue tied and idiotic. I've talked about this before, I'm sure.
But something changed in the last 6-7 years. I have guy friends. What? Awesome. But I don't trust that they're gonna stick around... I'm sure that they will realize my madness and run for the hills..
THEY-HAVEN'T!
Mind-blown.
Even when I make fun of Brian all the time and his horrible stache.
Or say idiotic things to German.
Or send pictures of me flipping him off to Chris. (Cause sometimes that's just gonna happen.)
I am so so shocked that they have put up with my madness. Cause it's madness.
I was impressed with this all over again yesterday when I was ranting to Scott about the ridiculous date I went on.
Who knew he would ever be my sounding board.
Considering our insane friendship and I told him that I liked him before I left Seattle- it's a wonder we're still friends. Besides everything else. He keeps demanding when I am going to return... that I am the missing link between our two houses.
I was teasing him yesterday about how he gabs like a girl. (I dont know why it should surprise me that he would tell his housemates stuff... I tell mine..) His response was something along the lines of "not in a joke way. I was excited for you, so I talked to German about it."
This just seemed so amusing. He has no idea.

BUT! I have guy friends here too. I love them. I had a moment a few weeks back that I had these three guys in conversation and I felt I was in the midst (almost) of my Seattle guys again. But not at all. There was no tri-hug, and these ones were too short to really be Scott, German, Josh (eh), or Chris.

Guy friends in London:
Clever Richard: Totally my fave. He is tall and lanky and a goof. Like Soren in lurpy-ness, but studying chemistry. He's started plopping down wherever I am to share whatever ridiculous story he has for the day. Tuesday's was when he was verbally attacked via text by his group.
It's also hilarious when he says "bully." (cause of his accent.. i can't even explain)
I told him to "pop a squat" once and he looked at me so confused, and in his properly british accent repeated it, confused. That's when Kaylie was here and we would randomly break into a poor British accent just to say... "pop.... a squat???"

Mr. F: He's my writing buddy. He wanted to work on his creative writing this year. We've kind of sucked at it but he's so enthusiastic. He's technically from New York.. but not... Maybe 22-23 years old? He's doing his undergrand. He's young and naive and super enthused about everything. He's got dark curly hair, deep dimples and a smile that always reaches his eyes. I just want to hug him. Or pinch his cheeks.

Dr. John: My photographer buddy. I try to make him like Josh- mostly because of his job and when I told him about being a spy he told me he had his friend convinced he was a spy because he worked close to the MI6 building in London. So besides the job with computers, that's really the only thing they share. John tends to keep his thoughts to himself but has a good sense of humor. And shows his feelings through a smirky laugh that I know he's judging and laughing at my idiocy.

A. Eleventh: He reminds me of Matt Smith a bit. It's odd. But he's my home teacher and he's been really great. We also realized that we had a mutual acquaintance from back home. It was a strange realization. Mostly because when I went on my British Lit Tour EIGHT YEARS AGO (ugh), I ended up in Sligo and was there the same time as my friend Bryan who was serving his mission. It was crazy. Well Aaron and I realized that they were companions and HE WAS HIS COMPANION THAT DAY! I could have met him in passing 8 years ago. How insane is that??

Mark: This is the one I've gone out with a couple times. 3 times as of yesterday. Kind of a strange gent. But his randomness and ridiculousness amused me so I asked him out. But he's great and likes to read. A lot. But it got weird yesterday mostly because we're both awkward and just not using our words. We went to dinner and then wandered around Hyde Park. It was good conversation most of the time... Although he calls filling the air with mindless chatter "waffling," which he says he is prone to do. And saying goodbye in tube stations is weird. What are you even supposed to do? He basically did a hang-loose sign and departed.
Whuut.
Just.. What??
Christine said that I shouldn't give up on him yet because he just seems awkward. Leslie said he has a tendency to lack confidence and that's probably a factor here.
Yea yea yea.
We will see if this continues. I am not betting on it.

So my weekend plans:
Thursday:
Meet with advisor at 840 AM (takes an hour to get to campus.. that was a beast this morning)
Class at 530. (WTQ, which is why I am just taking some time to write.)

Friday:
Breakfast Club  for Jess' birthday
Cinderella
Meet for temple trip at 5
7 pm session
Return

Saturday:
11 am Chocolate Fest (care of Krista. Happy Birthday to me)
3 pm Doctor Who tour with Jesse
6 pm Easter Devo

Sunday:
Fast Sunday
12 pm choir
1 pm church

And somewhere skype with MARCUS! yessss.
And read a couple novels (not just read but analyse) THEN REREAD THEM, secondary texts and figure out the questions for my essay for Travels in Children's Literature and doing some proper research for my dissertation.

Bee-tee-dubs. This is the last week of class.

I hope this is enough for now, Tistine.

Yea so I'm an idiot sometimes..

I am standing outside the British Library trying to figure out my directions and some guy comes up to ask when the library closes. I give him the answer. He proceeds to continue the conversation. I am in a slight panic/annoyed because I want to be elsewhere. In midst of conversation with he proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions and engaging the conversation. He's from northern England. I didn't think I would see him again. No I dont want to get coffee, I have to go... Through said conversation he will ask random questions and then point blank ones, such as: are you dating someone. Are you married, have children, etc. The one that amused and annoyed me further was who I lived with back in the states. WHAT? What do you mean who did I live with? I have had like 60 roommates in the past decade. I didnt say that but it was a dumb question. He asks for my number. Sure. Figuring I can just shake him at that point.. Nope. He proceeds to come with me to where I am going. I dont know where I am going. So at an awesome opportunity, I hop on some form of transit and go on my way to anywhere else. 

I hear from him later that night. How nice. 

Sunday morning he calls me twice. at 9 AM. Seriously?? 9 FREAKING AM? On a Sunday?? I occasionally respond, but I am busy so I don't answer when he calls. Which is quite a bit actually. I think he finally decides to call it quits on Wednesday. Mind I met him on Saturday. At that point he has called me EIGHT TIMES. On this day I had honestly forgotten my phone at home and gone all day. It was weird. I come home to him asking, after a ton of texts, if he should just delete my number. *sigh of relief.* Yes. Sure. That would probably be best. And I am thinking, this must be so annoying to him. What a relief that is over. He then says.. why should I delete your number? Do you want me to? Why?

Umm.. You are the one that suggested this... And because I must be frustrating.
(I had also been really sick so this all was just obnoxious.) 

He then proceeds to tell me that I was indecisive and misleading, but that I should still want to meet up with him..

Umm. no. I I try a .. Well.. Considering the distance and school, this is probably not for the best.

He proceeds to tell me that I AM misleading, but it's not a big deal because he's a millionaire, literally, and that I am an indecisive tramp that he met on the streets. 

This is all via text so I can give you the proper dialogue. 

ME: Hahahahhahahhahahaahhahahahaaa. That's hilarious. Like I care about your money.

HIM: Your not even good looking I've dated much better.

ME: And yet.... You called me 8 times in the last week. *shrug. Looks like I dodged a bullet.

HIM: It's funny how you got so much time to text back so much now hmmmmm this is what some people are like.

ME: Again, You're showing your true colors.

And then I blocked him.

 It was such a 180. In a strange turn of events, one minute singing his own praises and how I should give him the time of day, the next calling me a misleading tramp. This coming from a guy that I tried to politely get go away for at least 3 blocks. A guy who has called me 8 times in 4 days... 

And given. I shouldnt have given him my number, but he seemed almost okay at the time. BUT let me tell you, I'm not doing that again. And I have a story that I have prepared in my head of a fake BF. HOWEVER- he went bat-shit-crazy. (which is such a weird turn of phrase.) Live and learn I guess. Honestly though.. You would have thought I did something more besides not going out with him...

I'm embarrassed to admit.

Girl is bored and frustrated with the Mormon men and gets in okcupid. After all, GSC was on okcupid and he's normal, she muses. She received so many messages, it made her head spin. Some she considered. Some she was horrified. She laughed at most. 

In the course of conversation with one, they decide to meet up at a notting hill Starbucks. All is well. They get their drinks and walk and talk. No big deal. He drinks and smokes. She does neither. But the conversation was easy. "This is how dating Mormon guys should be!" She declares in her mind. 

But she's not actually interested in the guy. He called her hon, which is a term if endearment we abhors. She tried to ignore it. He didn't know any better. But she's just not interested. 

She put him off, lying about certain details so he would never find her. 

She's clearly paranoid.

They go on this one date in November. She left on a trip and he texted her safe journeys and that he missed her. 

She is alarmed by his attachment. Already taking forever to respond to his texts, her responses became shorter and snarkier. 

She received a text around New Years, wishing her a happy one and a "goodnight princess." 

Princess?? 

Is he drugged? Medicated? He surely knows she is not going to sleep with him, right? 

He is too attached. She tried to end their conversations. She doesn't even remember his name. He is in her phone under the name "AVOID." He tells her he misses her. 

"Don't be silly," she says. 

"I am not being silly (name), what would a simple guu like me want more that a decent successful person to hang out with, who knows maybe I will fall in love with you as I already like you." 

She is alarmed. 

she is mortified. 

She is annoyed. 

She tells him he is showing his hand too soon. 

"Not really (name), I dont blame you for saying that and I wish if you have gave me the chance to approach my self, I have no bad intentions to you, all what I have for you is love and respect"

"That's very nice, but I am not interested in pursuing this any further. "

"Ok (name) I appreciate and respect that, thank you anyway, wish you all the best please if you need anything any help one day just dont be hesitated I will always be supporting you."

-I will always be supporting you.- 

seriously? 

Yes. Clearly a solid bond was made in that ONE MEETING! In what world would she go to him for anything? She is not alone. She was never dependent on him. 

All in all... 

She had an entire relationship that she wasn't really a part of...

Drinker

Conclusion- I am so glad I don't drink... Because even when I don't i do stupid things...

Like:

word vomit all over people and tell my secrets...

Confessing dying infatuations...

Text exactly what I'm thinking..

Which is so so dangerous.

Or in a sleep induced stupor, almost text marriage proposals.

Reasons why I shouldn't drink, 101 (besides the whole commandment thing)

People sick

People occasionally ask me if I get home sick. I generally think about it and reply no... But sometimes I get people sick.. Until now.. When I got to talk to Derek and Jared tonight. That distance seems even further ... And I find myself, not even realizing... Seeking out things that are loved/appreciated by those I love.. Whether it be food, music or movies. But it rings even more true when I purposefully go out and buy something like this: 

I am generally annoyed with certain fads and trends.. This one is included. I think it's silly... But bekki and her girls love them.. Therefore I love them. I see them and I get excited to send them to her. To share this awesome find. I'm not sure if she still likes them.. But I see them and think of her. I am just a little lost in missing. 

Star Shaped Tupperware

There is this kid that I know. Jason. He made things really hellish for himself while he was in Seattle. He would be interested in a girl, as her out.. and then.. when they weren't interested or interseted in someone else.. he would go.. a little crazy. Sign them up to get spammed. On email and phone. That's just naming a small thing... I guess he just expected there to be interest when girls responded positively to him.. Not realizing that most (lds?) girls will say yes just to:
1- be nice
2- it's a FIRST DATE. no harm in a first date.

He created situations for himself and let everyone know about it. It was a mess. There is too much detail to go into here.. But let me tell you.. I hit several breaking points mostly due to my frustration. For whatever reason.. I became his sponsor. I told him that if there was ever a time that he felt inclined to "get back" at a girl or had concerns about dating, to contact me. I didn't want him to do what he has done in Seattle. (He has since moved to Utah) For whatever reason... I took this upon myself. A free service to him and everyone he might encounter later.

I am happy to say that he has been doing well. He has been contact me over the last few weeks about a girl he has asked out on TWO dates. And there will probably even be a third. He has been slow in his process, but based on his previous experiences I'm not surprised. Doesn't want to scare her away either, I imagine.

But I got an email from him today telling me:
1. about the date
2. asking if it sounded right, that he should ask her out on another date.

It's so cute.

I'm so excited for him.

I hope it works out.

The odd shaped tupperware hopefully found its lid...

I am such a girl...

I had a post that I had been writing and my phone deleted it . Lame sauce...

What had I written before.

Not sure... I'll just run with it..

So I have a tendency to hold on to friendships and keeping in contact with people rather tightly. Much akin to the cold clammy hand of death. Although if I get little to no response from someone it makes my hold a little less.. But! What surprises me is that the people I keep in best contact with are Christine (ok that's a give in), German and Charlie.. Charlie of all people.. I am so surprised by this. Especially since I was so unsure about our friendship for quite some time. But I will email holm and he responds rather quickly actually, in the best Charlie form. Man I love that guy. I got an email from him this morning and that is why it's on my mind. 

And German, who had informed me that our friendship would dwindle since I am so far away. Ha. HA! Fool. 

In other news.. John. I have this friend named john that Susan introduced me to before she left. (I took her spot in my flat.) . So she introduced us and was kid of keen on the idea of us dating. She kept giving me inside tips about him. When she talks to me she will do that sly look and ask..
Sooo....... how's john? 

Okay. So johns great. He is from northern England and has a great northern accent and says stuff like "meself" and it just makes me grin to myself. We have some similar interests.. Travel... Photography is a big one.. An adament hatred of particular fonts. Other things too. If I had half a brain working I would be able to tell you more because there is more. But he's great. We have hung out a few times. I like talking to him when I see him. He also does that josh thing where he will look at me like I have 3 heads. Is this just what happens with computer tech guys and me?

I'm not sure if I actually like him.. Or if the idea is being forced on me by external sources. (Susan) I kind of forget sometimes but when he's around I'm like- hey! Yes! It's john! This is great. (Inside my head) last time I was at church I was talking to him in the hallway and I was in the middle of telling him something when I realized I had to head to class. I told him so and he had this look like he wanted to continue the conversation and was kind of remiss to end it. I kind of liked that look.
I also went to institute tonight and after class was done he stopped to talk to me for a while which was kind of great... But I also hadn't seen him since last.. Monday? So a week and a half.
I am at this weird spot of not really being sure if i like him or if I am pushed into it by Susan.. Or like the idea of it.. Or just am amused by the way he talks.

It's all a toss up...

More later i need to finish this conversation with German.. 

"I'm so glad to have friends!!"

I went out with some girls from my program today. We went to some amazing book shops and I spent too much money on books. We hung out, wandered around, and just had some fun conversations.

Now there were 4 of us. 3 of us are Americans. 1 British, but she commutes on school days from home. So all in all, they don't get out and meet people.. So it was fun for them to have plans to go out and do something. Fun to go out for a drink and do something on a Friday night. They kept saying over and over again, I'm so glad we're hanging out! I'm so glad we're doing this! I'm so glad we have friends.

Which is true. It's fun to have these girls that I have so much in common with.. Especially our love of children's books... even down to our oddities. (My love of stairways and Shauna's love of fire escapes..) She commented on the fact that she would be told by her friends back home how weird she was to look at or notice these things. Jess is making hopeful plans on us all living together in London if we find work when school is out. It's all fanciful stuff but I can see it on her face that she is enjoying the possibility.

Anyway.. that's beside the point.

My point kind of just stems down to the fact that I DO have friends. I live in a flat with a solid group of girls. I feel like I can hang out with them and be good.. although I haven't actually gone out out with them yet. But we enjoy each other...
And then I have people I have met through church. My schedule is kind of wonky but when I see some of them, I am definitely excited. There are some fun people there. But I AM SO GLAD that I have this safety net. That I have a connection with a larger group of people that I normally wouldn't have.

It was also funny when I told them I don't drink alcohol or coffee. They respected my decisions, which I appreciated.. But one even lamented about how nice it would be to not drink alcohol or coffee... How much more simplistic it would be... And less expensive.

She doesn't know my particular love of precocious chocolates.

Let it be known

I would choose to be a wife&mother over any career, school... 

Whatever. 

See random rant via www.randomanda.blogspot.com part B for why this came up 

😉

So I'm good?

Is it weird to almost be resigned to my own single-dom?
I mean.. I have solid friends and I am in a great place.
And I will always be in a great place.
Right?

He finally did it

I've been told that one of the ways to get over someone is to find out something about them that you don't like.. Or something like that. 

It happened... And I think it actually worked this time. 

I talked to Krista yesterday  and she told me that Scott had a NCMO buddy. This ultimately disappointed and annoyed me.. More than anything else he has done. And then I just felt.. Nothing 

I would like to point out too- that it's not a jealousy thing. If he were dating her, I wouldn't have an issue with that either. I want him to date. I want all my guys to find their one and only. I just don't dig the non committal thing. Especially since one of my friends recently got hurt from a "in the moment" fling. It meant something more to her.. Especially considering they had been friends for years. What a juice box 

Cha-Ching! It's done. And I am pleased. 

Not about London..

So there are dreadful YA books that I have read that will constantly describe guys to be so fit, so ripped, so whatever that they are "god-like." (I am so so sick of the gods...) This has been a common frustration for me for a while. Especially in Twilight when she refers to him as marble. Whatever. So dumb. Why would anyone honestly want to hug cold stone... although I don't go around hugging stone, so who knows right?

And then I did. Not really. Details first. A coworker from Seattle came out here because he is starting school at Oxford Brookes and I hung out with him for a bit. Too long, if you ask me. He flew in on Tuesday and I met up with him and we wandered. He wanted to hang out on Wednesday but I did Thursday instead. It was weird hanging out with him outside of work. So so strange. We rarely talked while we were AT work... and I spent hours with him. hoooouuurrs. I kept waiting for him to be like- Ok, I'm done with you.. But it just kept going. Thankfully on Thursday evening I had plans to go for institute and they do a dinner beforehand. I invited him and he came for the free food. It was so absurdly weird. I am not sure what was more awkward, now that I think about it. Me or him. (o.o) All and all it was fine. But before he took off, because he finally did call it quits.. He came to give me a hug. Disregarding the fact that I had never hugged him before and that was awkward, but it was just rock hard all around. And totally unappealing. I'm just sayin.
Gosh I miss Josh hugs. 

In other news... 

I am addicted to Downton Abbey.. It's a problem. I would not recommend it to Bekki.

School starts next week. I met some people from my program. They seem very nice. It's different to be at a school like this. My only uni experience was BYUI.. and that was obviously different. I am very very grateful for my time at BYUI, but this is seriously gonna be something out of the twilight zone. The people I've met are nice. Book people are nice people. All females (shocker) and people who have done less than I have prep-wise.. Which makes me feel better. AND I found out that I have a month & a half off at Christmas and I am done with classes in March. MARCH. After that I have to do my dissertation, but still.

I am looking at internships. It looks like they do a bunch of internships that are 2 week stints. I am thinking about applying to a bunch of those. Get some experiences. See what's happening while I am here. Then maybe I can get a solid one come next year? I think this is a good plan.

Random things I want to spill and just don't have time for the details at the moment.

I still have a thing for Josh and Scott. I was hoping the distance would make a difference. It hasn't.
This doesn't help with Krista sometimes sending me pictures.. Or pics from Jules of "my future children." (which is again a picture of scott as a child that his dad had posted on FB..) Amusing to be kept in the loop. Amusing for the joke.. It just gets old and is a slight stab and twist.
I need a distraction.

I stayed at the guys house one night before I left. I had plans with German the next morning so I opted to stay in their theatre room. I left my house with Josh with a taunt from Trisha "have fun at your sleepover!" Little did she know... I still have a visual of a sly and excited grin from Josh. "You're gonna stay, right?" I had a habit of going over there and staying till 1-2 AM, so for all Trisha and Krista knew that's what I did. It was weird to end late night conversations, say goodnight and go downstairs. Although to be honest, I had hit a point of referring to their house as mine. I had spent so much time there. I had cooked and cleaned. I made plans of "we" referring to me and the house. I did this a number of times and Josh always looked so pleased. I liked sleeping down there. It was cold and dark. Best of all worlds when in a Seattle summer.  (Krista and Trisha still don't know of this.. While the guys house don't see anything in this, Krista would be very exasperated.. and that amuses me)
I scared the crap out of German the next morning. He knew I was coming. I told him I was staying.. He didn't believe me and had left before I came. I came upstairs into the kitchen.. But I sometimes do this thing when I go up a ton of stairs that I will go on all fours.. So when I popped my head around the corner I wasn't at proper human height. I have never seen German look so alarmed and freaking out in all time knowing him. It  was kind of fantastic. Alarming because of the large knife he had in his hand, but no harm no foul.

I am going to see 39 steps (the play) with my new friend John on Tuesday. I am going to talk to him about being my movie buddy. They have a thing where if you sign up for a year, you can get unlimited movies for 19 a month. Unlimited. Movies.

I have had steady correspondence with Charlie. (GSC) It makes me very happy to hear from him.

"I won't tell anyone that you turn the world around.
I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound."
Ingrid Michaelson

Reasons why

I would never marry German: 

1- his hands 

2- he doesn't want kids. 

3- sometimes he flips a switch and becomes very indifferent to people or situations and I just don't think it's the best way to handle things. 

4- he is a kissing whore. 

5- pride 

6- won't let people help him. 

5 am.. Technically 9 pm

I should be sleeping but I can't get there. I got a solid 8 hours and then my body declared it was done sleeping.. at 3 am London time. Which is incredibly unfortunate.. I have been sporadically up since then.
I have responded to emails, texts and whatever else. (I mean everyone else is still on west coast time, so why not?) I have read my scriptures. I drank some water. I tried to go to sleep repeatedly.. It's all for nothing. My brain keeps clicking on with moments of excitement, amusement and other nonsense.

The most current thing rolling around my head is a moment... just a moment that I figure if I write it out it might just stop bugging me.

I had stayed late talking to him. It was a solid conversation. Families, faith, etc. Moments of lamenting that broke my heart to hear. He was better than this. He deserves better. It hit a point where I had to go. I'm sure I had work the next day and while he had more freedom with his job, I did not. I went to the door, gave him a hug.
"I love you," I told him while holding on to him so tight. It caught me off guard. While I would never deny this, it surprised me that I had said it.
"I love you, too."
I pulled back, kissed his forehead, quickly said my farewells and went home.

And in true fashion between the both of us, this moment was never discussed again. I mean, why would it be. It's now just rolling around my friggin head at 5 am. My own audacity always throws me for a loop. These things are really things I feel like I wouldn't normally do.. But for whatever reason, they keep happening more and more. Maybe this is becoming that thing I do.

But he has just been on my mind a lot lately.

Face-palm (o.O)

It's amazing how I can make an idiot out of myself 1500 miles away.

So Krista likes to keep me updated on random things going on. She will send me pictures of activities.. of the guys.. stuff going on and around. I kind of love it because I feel like I am still part of things. Tonight she sent me a picture of Josh. Straight in the face, obvious picture of Josh. He's been gone for the week and hadn't shaved at all. He is generally a very clean shaven individual.
But.. I might be a sucker for scruff.
I might be a bit of a sucker for facial hair..
And I am already a sucker for Josh.
 He's really quality. He's the best of the best. I hope one day he will find what he is looking for.

But that is not the point. The point IS is that Krista sent me the picture and my reaction was as follows.
"Hahahhahahaaa.
How did you get that.
That's hilarious.
And daaaaaaaaaamnn
CURSE YOU JOSH!!"
....
"Ruh roh..  He's gonna see this isn't he..."
Krista: Too late...
Me: Shut up..
Please please respond...
I really need to know what level of embarrassment I should be at.."
Krista: I'm sorry!! They all came at once. There was one response when I clicked on the app then the floodgates of hoover dam opened.
He laughed. Hard."
Me: Oh craaaaaap.
I.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do now"
Krista: You should be flattered. He doesn't laugh that way easily. plus it was right after he saw Aubrey so it's a good thing.
Me; I. Am Speachless...
----
Krista: No words, just big grin and deep laugh
--

Oh-my-gosh. You know, what's funny about the whole thing is that I can kind of see that big grin and deep laugh. Man, I love him. He cracks me up. I may have texted him just to break the ice. Just a - hey, you're back from your trip.- kind of text. I can just see the smirk on his face when he sees it's from me. I can see the wheels in his head turning. And because I have made an idiot out of myself on so many occasions.. I can peg his reaction even down to the tilt of his head.

I-love-you. Why is that so hard?

Passive ways to say it:

"Love ya!"
"I love your guts"
"You too!"

Ugh. I find myself being so passive about this. It's like I can't commit or I don't want to FREAK anyone out by saying "I-LOVE-YOU."

Why is that scary? I do. This shouldn't SURPRISE you. I hold you it high esteem! I think you're totally top notch! Why can't I say it? We're friends! There seems to be a big thing involved by saying it even just to friends.

Which is further alarming when I get German telling me he loves me right and left. No passive voice. Just full out- point blank. I love you.

Nicely done, sir. But he's not one to dance around or be subtle about it.

I don't do half-assed though. (I'm not even going to do Liza's "half-fast" line.) I am all in. I tend to overflow with my particular regard. It's brimming. There's no stopping it. I just have a hard time saying it without adding that safety cushion.

This was random.

Benefit of being gone

So.. Come to find there is a benefit of being gone from my home town for so long. I went to my old job and there were quite a few people i still knew there. It was great to see them. And in the beginning there was usually an exclamation from every person about how great I look. Shock on their faces. 

Yes... I am pretty sure the last time they saw me/I worked there I was : 

40 pounds heavier 

Wearing clothes that were too big and unflattering. (This included this terrible denim skirt, probably black shirt and knew high socks and white superman shoes...) 

Wearing my hair in pigtails on a regular basis.. 

I had the same reaction from a friends dad. "Amanda! You look.. DIFFERENT.... Good different..." 

So yes. I do look great, don't i? Especially In contrast to what I was, this is a definite improvement. 

And this is by no means a plea for commentary.. But more of an observation to myself of myself.. But it's only been in the last year or so that I have consistently thought of myself as pretty.. Attractive.. Whatever. I had moments where I thought I looked nice.. And my friends (always girls) would sing praises, but it never really sat right. 

Yes, I still feel like I could exercise more, eat less sugar.. These are things to improve on.. But still... To look in the mirror and realize that I'm worth looking at. It's new. 

I agree to the WEIRDEST things!!

Not ONLY THAT, but I often OFFER it.

For example.

I was talking to German via text- ages ago, (February? March?)  and in the course of conversation he asked me who I liked. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I ended up telling him. Why did I tell him? I don't know! Because especially via text and ESPECIALLY with him I have an "anything goes" thought process. Which is the worst because he will hold it against me later. And tease to no end.
Especially since the guys in question are his roommates.
Oy-vey.

You're in love with my house! - he exclaimed
Only half. - I retorted.

But also in the course of this conversation I requested, nay begged him to not tease me about my red faced-ness. It was pretty prominent at the time and anything could really trigger it. He told me he would, if he could hug me as long as he wanted without commentary from me..
Whuuut. (misspelled on purpose for extra emphasis and how i am currently saying it...)
He had had the habit lately of hugging me for a really long time and I always tried to escape, exclaiming my discomfort.. because it's awkward to stand there while this man embraced me for a while. Especially awkward when people were around. Or his girlfriend...

Why do you hug me for such a long time- I asked him.
It's how I show you how much I care.
Why can't you just say, 'hey amanda, I think you're swell...' I responded, snarkily.
That doesn't work for me.

So I ended up agreeing, figuring there was a loophole. I mean, if I don't let him hug me, then he can't hug me for a long time, right? (which is dumb because i'm a hugger. i love hugs. when is this gonnastopnever.)

So I got looped into these ridiculous hugs that lasted such a long time. It was especially amusing because I would sometimes just stand there... Hands to my sides after I got my initial hug over with. And then he started to amp it up. . . and he would nuzzle my neck. Yup. That's right. And you can only imagine my reaction then.. Which was me totally wigging out. Which is why he continued to do it..

This elongated hug turned into a sandwich of Scott coming up from behind and hugging German.. But with me in the middle. Weird. But I had had a crush on the guy so.. let's be honest. I didn't care. Sometimes German would hug me and then hold on to get Scotts attention and pivot me so that Scott could come up and embrace us.

And then it turned into Josh joining as well from the side. So then I was in the middle of these three men. Who then decided I was getting to used to their antics and would all start nuzzling me! All of them. Sometimes this happened at their house.. Sometimes at activities.. The worst was when it happened after sacrament meeting.. or after a baptism. Awkward.
"No, guys! No! Not here!" I would be standing there, flailing a little.. Arms and legs.
They would release me and one would always exclaim, Amanda, why is your face so red!?!

The weird thing was that I continued to just take it. It was funny. And sometimes it's just easier to go along with the antics then fight against them.

The OTHER weird thing I agreed to was: this smirking deal I made with Scott.
I was always smirking.. About something. Anything really. I think that's just my resting face. It's better than a scowl. Scott was always really up in arms about it. Asking, pestering.. Sometimes I told him.. Usually I didn't. As I said before, it's a dangerous playground.

So to get him to get off my back I made a deal.. This was my idea even. I told him that each month he would get 5 opportunities to ask me what I was smirking about and I would have to answer.

Whuut.

In the course of this, we made rules as it went along. If he thought of a rule first, I had to follow.. and vise versa. I got myself in some really awkward situations with that. So so awkward.
And what did I get out of it? NOTHING. My own embarrassment and awkwardness.
How many times can I say awkward in one post? I am thinking it's A LOT! Gah!
WHAT THE WHAT!?

I am on drugs and need to be medicated.

Why did these particular instances come to mind? Oh because I did it again. I was playing my guitar tonight and I decided to record myself because I wanted to see what it sounded like.
Not terrible. I'm not pitchy. BUT I am nasal and sound really young. I'm not sure if that's normal or just because I'm sick.

What do I do? I text German (and Emily, actually) that I did this. And of course, German said
"send it to me."
psh
"come on!"

And because it's German and because he has some weird power over me, I told him I would after I wasn't sick anymore. A parting gift of sorts. He really liked that idea.

Which is all fine and good, but let's remember something.. I don't like playing in front of people. And while I won't be playing in front of anyone.. It will be recorded and he could play it for anyone. At least when I played for people it was a one-hit-wonder.