5 am.. Technically 9 pm

I should be sleeping but I can't get there. I got a solid 8 hours and then my body declared it was done sleeping.. at 3 am London time. Which is incredibly unfortunate.. I have been sporadically up since then.
I have responded to emails, texts and whatever else. (I mean everyone else is still on west coast time, so why not?) I have read my scriptures. I drank some water. I tried to go to sleep repeatedly.. It's all for nothing. My brain keeps clicking on with moments of excitement, amusement and other nonsense.

The most current thing rolling around my head is a moment... just a moment that I figure if I write it out it might just stop bugging me.

I had stayed late talking to him. It was a solid conversation. Families, faith, etc. Moments of lamenting that broke my heart to hear. He was better than this. He deserves better. It hit a point where I had to go. I'm sure I had work the next day and while he had more freedom with his job, I did not. I went to the door, gave him a hug.
"I love you," I told him while holding on to him so tight. It caught me off guard. While I would never deny this, it surprised me that I had said it.
"I love you, too."
I pulled back, kissed his forehead, quickly said my farewells and went home.

And in true fashion between the both of us, this moment was never discussed again. I mean, why would it be. It's now just rolling around my friggin head at 5 am. My own audacity always throws me for a loop. These things are really things I feel like I wouldn't normally do.. But for whatever reason, they keep happening more and more. Maybe this is becoming that thing I do.

But he has just been on my mind a lot lately.

Face-palm (o.O)

It's amazing how I can make an idiot out of myself 1500 miles away.

So Krista likes to keep me updated on random things going on. She will send me pictures of activities.. of the guys.. stuff going on and around. I kind of love it because I feel like I am still part of things. Tonight she sent me a picture of Josh. Straight in the face, obvious picture of Josh. He's been gone for the week and hadn't shaved at all. He is generally a very clean shaven individual.
But.. I might be a sucker for scruff.
I might be a bit of a sucker for facial hair..
And I am already a sucker for Josh.
 He's really quality. He's the best of the best. I hope one day he will find what he is looking for.

But that is not the point. The point IS is that Krista sent me the picture and my reaction was as follows.
"Hahahhahahaaa.
How did you get that.
That's hilarious.
And daaaaaaaaaamnn
CURSE YOU JOSH!!"
....
"Ruh roh..  He's gonna see this isn't he..."
Krista: Too late...
Me: Shut up..
Please please respond...
I really need to know what level of embarrassment I should be at.."
Krista: I'm sorry!! They all came at once. There was one response when I clicked on the app then the floodgates of hoover dam opened.
He laughed. Hard."
Me: Oh craaaaaap.
I.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do now"
Krista: You should be flattered. He doesn't laugh that way easily. plus it was right after he saw Aubrey so it's a good thing.
Me; I. Am Speachless...
----
Krista: No words, just big grin and deep laugh
--

Oh-my-gosh. You know, what's funny about the whole thing is that I can kind of see that big grin and deep laugh. Man, I love him. He cracks me up. I may have texted him just to break the ice. Just a - hey, you're back from your trip.- kind of text. I can just see the smirk on his face when he sees it's from me. I can see the wheels in his head turning. And because I have made an idiot out of myself on so many occasions.. I can peg his reaction even down to the tilt of his head.

I-love-you. Why is that so hard?

Passive ways to say it:

"Love ya!"
"I love your guts"
"You too!"

Ugh. I find myself being so passive about this. It's like I can't commit or I don't want to FREAK anyone out by saying "I-LOVE-YOU."

Why is that scary? I do. This shouldn't SURPRISE you. I hold you it high esteem! I think you're totally top notch! Why can't I say it? We're friends! There seems to be a big thing involved by saying it even just to friends.

Which is further alarming when I get German telling me he loves me right and left. No passive voice. Just full out- point blank. I love you.

Nicely done, sir. But he's not one to dance around or be subtle about it.

I don't do half-assed though. (I'm not even going to do Liza's "half-fast" line.) I am all in. I tend to overflow with my particular regard. It's brimming. There's no stopping it. I just have a hard time saying it without adding that safety cushion.

This was random.

Benefit of being gone

So.. Come to find there is a benefit of being gone from my home town for so long. I went to my old job and there were quite a few people i still knew there. It was great to see them. And in the beginning there was usually an exclamation from every person about how great I look. Shock on their faces. 

Yes... I am pretty sure the last time they saw me/I worked there I was : 

40 pounds heavier 

Wearing clothes that were too big and unflattering. (This included this terrible denim skirt, probably black shirt and knew high socks and white superman shoes...) 

Wearing my hair in pigtails on a regular basis.. 

I had the same reaction from a friends dad. "Amanda! You look.. DIFFERENT.... Good different..." 

So yes. I do look great, don't i? Especially In contrast to what I was, this is a definite improvement. 

And this is by no means a plea for commentary.. But more of an observation to myself of myself.. But it's only been in the last year or so that I have consistently thought of myself as pretty.. Attractive.. Whatever. I had moments where I thought I looked nice.. And my friends (always girls) would sing praises, but it never really sat right. 

Yes, I still feel like I could exercise more, eat less sugar.. These are things to improve on.. But still... To look in the mirror and realize that I'm worth looking at. It's new. 

I agree to the WEIRDEST things!!

Not ONLY THAT, but I often OFFER it.

For example.

I was talking to German via text- ages ago, (February? March?)  and in the course of conversation he asked me who I liked. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I ended up telling him. Why did I tell him? I don't know! Because especially via text and ESPECIALLY with him I have an "anything goes" thought process. Which is the worst because he will hold it against me later. And tease to no end.
Especially since the guys in question are his roommates.
Oy-vey.

You're in love with my house! - he exclaimed
Only half. - I retorted.

But also in the course of this conversation I requested, nay begged him to not tease me about my red faced-ness. It was pretty prominent at the time and anything could really trigger it. He told me he would, if he could hug me as long as he wanted without commentary from me..
Whuuut. (misspelled on purpose for extra emphasis and how i am currently saying it...)
He had had the habit lately of hugging me for a really long time and I always tried to escape, exclaiming my discomfort.. because it's awkward to stand there while this man embraced me for a while. Especially awkward when people were around. Or his girlfriend...

Why do you hug me for such a long time- I asked him.
It's how I show you how much I care.
Why can't you just say, 'hey amanda, I think you're swell...' I responded, snarkily.
That doesn't work for me.

So I ended up agreeing, figuring there was a loophole. I mean, if I don't let him hug me, then he can't hug me for a long time, right? (which is dumb because i'm a hugger. i love hugs. when is this gonnastopnever.)

So I got looped into these ridiculous hugs that lasted such a long time. It was especially amusing because I would sometimes just stand there... Hands to my sides after I got my initial hug over with. And then he started to amp it up. . . and he would nuzzle my neck. Yup. That's right. And you can only imagine my reaction then.. Which was me totally wigging out. Which is why he continued to do it..

This elongated hug turned into a sandwich of Scott coming up from behind and hugging German.. But with me in the middle. Weird. But I had had a crush on the guy so.. let's be honest. I didn't care. Sometimes German would hug me and then hold on to get Scotts attention and pivot me so that Scott could come up and embrace us.

And then it turned into Josh joining as well from the side. So then I was in the middle of these three men. Who then decided I was getting to used to their antics and would all start nuzzling me! All of them. Sometimes this happened at their house.. Sometimes at activities.. The worst was when it happened after sacrament meeting.. or after a baptism. Awkward.
"No, guys! No! Not here!" I would be standing there, flailing a little.. Arms and legs.
They would release me and one would always exclaim, Amanda, why is your face so red!?!

The weird thing was that I continued to just take it. It was funny. And sometimes it's just easier to go along with the antics then fight against them.

The OTHER weird thing I agreed to was: this smirking deal I made with Scott.
I was always smirking.. About something. Anything really. I think that's just my resting face. It's better than a scowl. Scott was always really up in arms about it. Asking, pestering.. Sometimes I told him.. Usually I didn't. As I said before, it's a dangerous playground.

So to get him to get off my back I made a deal.. This was my idea even. I told him that each month he would get 5 opportunities to ask me what I was smirking about and I would have to answer.

Whuut.

In the course of this, we made rules as it went along. If he thought of a rule first, I had to follow.. and vise versa. I got myself in some really awkward situations with that. So so awkward.
And what did I get out of it? NOTHING. My own embarrassment and awkwardness.
How many times can I say awkward in one post? I am thinking it's A LOT! Gah!
WHAT THE WHAT!?

I am on drugs and need to be medicated.

Why did these particular instances come to mind? Oh because I did it again. I was playing my guitar tonight and I decided to record myself because I wanted to see what it sounded like.
Not terrible. I'm not pitchy. BUT I am nasal and sound really young. I'm not sure if that's normal or just because I'm sick.

What do I do? I text German (and Emily, actually) that I did this. And of course, German said
"send it to me."
psh
"come on!"

And because it's German and because he has some weird power over me, I told him I would after I wasn't sick anymore. A parting gift of sorts. He really liked that idea.

Which is all fine and good, but let's remember something.. I don't like playing in front of people. And while I won't be playing in front of anyone.. It will be recorded and he could play it for anyone. At least when I played for people it was a one-hit-wonder.

Today was a Scott-oriented day.

I was talking to Christine and she informed me that, while she had been in more relationships than I have, but I have had "comparable experiences being intimate (I hate using that word)- like physically." The explanation behind that particular story will come later... But she also informed me that because I was so close to "the guys," having deep talks, personal disclosure, comfort level... That we were pretty close. 

And then she informed me that I had found my perfect man between the four of my guys. 

"Scott for good looks, flirting and charm. 

German for friendship, companionship, fun talks and personal feedback. 

Chris for general horseplay. 

Josh for good quality good-guy-ness and sincerity. 

You put all those together, it's pretty much the perfect man."

I'm alarmed to say that she might be right. I tell Christine everything. Mostly. 97% . So I definitely trust her judgement in all things. So.. There it is. Reason number 5 as to why I am perpetually single. 

AND THEN! So I was up till 3 this morning and so I felt pretty crappy toward 2 pm. I crashed out at 3 for a chunk of time. I had the weirdest dream and the last part of the dream was all Scott. 

He called, telling me that they really needed this contraption for the fhe activity that was happening now. Could I please go to the post office next door to me and ship it to them. (Apparently there is immediate delivery.) mind I was ten minutes away. No one could come get it themselves. I told him again and again that this was a horrible plan. It would be outrageously expensive. And that the big white van that had been stolen from me had been returned and I could bring it to the activity. And that the woman who had stolen had also bought a solid gold vase with my credit card. 

The dream ends with me dropping my phone and his voice saying my name again and again. The voice was spot on, right on to that timbre of his voice. 

I woke up in a daze. Thought it was so so weird. And in that daze I started to text him to tell him of this dream. I looked at it and thought "too many words!" And proceeded to call him, hoping that he wouldn't pick up so I could leave a long message which I love doing.. But also hoping that he would so we could laugh about my ridiculousness. 

He didn't pick up. I left a message. It cut me off, it was so long. But it gave me an option to either keep it or rerecord. I couldn't remember which button to push. I opted to rerecord. So not only did I tell this story, but I did it twice. 

Definitely word vomited all over him. But I used to do that all the time. It's like a parting gift. 

His response "I wasn't able to listen to the whole thing, but it sounds pretty darn fantastic. I really need that ice cream maker. So, if you could get on that..." 

And then I got this picture from Julia on snapchat: 

I didn't know who it was at first.. I asked who the father was. 

My reaction... 

shock and amusement.. 

Yea.. Downward spiral. 

Didn't help that I proceeded to text him later some nonsense. 

Colleen couldn't get his last name. She was so amused. And then decided that he belonged in a dickens novel. 

Downward spiral. 

I've pissed off some Greek god in the course of my life

I am a 29 year old single girl who has never been in a real relationship. 

Sometimes in my darkest of times I think back on these moments that I made weird choices. 

For example.. To name a few.. 

Opting to tell the friend of the guy I liked that I would rather go to the homecoming dance with my friends. I think I didn't understand that he was interested in actually asking me. 

That time I was walking back from stadium singing at byui and some guy started chatting me up. I was fairly confused on why he was talking to me. "I need to catch up with my friends." It had been a bad choice because they were flirting with each other. I was third wheel. He looked dejected. 

Once when I was probably 7, we were visiting Colorado and I was hanging out with my best fried. I remember being on a swing having a good ole time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I just laughed. 

Maniacally. 

Swinging back and forth. 

Laughing. 

I just think karma can be a bitch..

GSC Moments

It took me a long time for Charlie to admit that we were friends. Which means this also involved many many therapy sessions.. Talks regarding girls.. Building up Charlie moments.. Generally while helping him change over OpenStock. And sometimes on sunny days walking to the International District.

We got way too comfortable towards the end..

-

Me:  Charlie! There are certain unspoken rules that I expect from you. and you should expect from me. If there is something large and green in your teeth, I'm going to tell you. (he proceeds to get anxious and pick at his teeth.) If you happen to have stuff in your beard, I am going to tell you. If-your-fly-is-down, I will tell you. I expect the same courtesy.

GSC: Did one of these happen and I not notice?

Me: Yes! My fly was down and ... you.. didn't ... actually notice... (me awkward)

GSC: Oh, I didn't see. I know you well enough that I would have told you...

Me Well.. Good.. Cause you should.. .

GSC (yelling) : Amanda is exposing herself at work again!!

-

So one day at lunch Allison came in and grunted at Charlie. She then had an exasperated sigh when he looked at her blankly. "Come on, Charlie! Use your BRAIN!" and she gestured to the paper towels.
To which I responded with, " Come on Allison, USE YOUR WORDS."
Shoo- if anyone is going to make fun of Charlie, it's gonna be me.

-

Me: Hey, Charlie. Have you ever seen Swing Kids?
GSC: No, I have seen kids in swings.

-

I walked up to GSC & Gabe talking..
"We're talking about something you don't understand.."
My almost response: "PENIS?"

-

I was wearing a TCC shirt that I found while rummaging through my things.. I wonder why I don't wear this, I thought to myself. It was one with the silhouettes of the 5 guys that I had had Robbie sign at one of the shows.. He also opted to draw on another guys face, just for good measure.. Well.. The silhouettes were right across my chest.. Which also meant that the signature and face were overly prominent. I didn't notice until later. It was too late.
Charlie at some point was standing half way down the aisle and asked what was on the shirt. I pulled out the shirt to explain.. But he realized that he had been caught staring at my chest. My fairly large chest.
Ooops.
He was mortified. His face turned very red.
It-was-hilarious.

-

Charlie also had a big thing about my "boyfriend" Eduardo. (He raises iguanas.) Charlie was always singing Eddie's praises.. Demanding that we get back together because Eddie loves me... The problem with this conversation was that I had had it in my mind once that I was going to have German come to my work and pretend to be Eduardo.. Just to confuse and alarm the lot of them. So I started thinking of German as Eduardo. When I told Charlie stories about German, he would sometimes look confused so I would substitute Eduardo in for the story which made things clearer. But not at all, actually.

-

Boss: Want to come and get a beer after work?
Me; Yes
Boss (surprised): Really?
Me: Yes.
GSC: If you're gonna start, you better start with us.
Boss: You don't drink, do you?
Me: No

I've been there for two years at this point. My standard response of "No, I don't drink" hasn't sunk in?
There's no hope at this point.
Keep up!

-

Charlie came down from 7th floor one afternoon and he looked moon struck.
GSC: I just saw you upstairs.
Me: Oh! My sisters here!
GSC: I just saw you upstairs.
Me: I told you my sister was coming.
GSC: I was talking to Patty and the elevator opened and Patty got really excited. Why is she all excited, it's just Amanda. I thought... She looks just like you. Just-like-you.
Me: (laughing)
GSC: AMANDA HAS A TWIN!

I met Bekki downstairs and the first thing she says when we round the corner.
Charlie is caaa-ute! 
Vindication. I'm not just crazy. It's not just the smell.

I may have told Charlie about this conversation. Sometimes he just needs a pick me up. A compliment from my happily married sister and mother of four seemed a safe place. He gets so awkward so easy. He was so pleased. It carried him through the rest of that day. And whenever my sister gets brought up in conversation, he makes a point to say a special hello.

-

We did a white elephant gift exchange for a YSA activity and I got a toy bow and arrow and plastic knife kit. It-was-awesome. I immediately brought it to work and shot people during slow times. The bow and arrows eventually fell apart and I was left with my plastic knife that I would wait to throw at anyone until the first shift employees were gone. It looked menacing and I didn't want to explain. I would randomly throw it at people. Mostly Charlie. Because he would bring it back to me. Like a dog.
Until one fateful day.. I always tried to aim for backs and butts. It seemed like a safe zone and wouldn't cause accidental harm. Until it did. He was standing by the elevator and I chucked my knife, lazily, and he turned at the right/wrong moment and it totally hit him in the crotch. He wasn't doubled over.. But it grazed him apparently.. It was enough. I- was- mortified.
I immediately threw my plastic toy knife away.
He told me it was okay.. that I didn't need to.. But it was just.. too close for my comfort, let alone his..

-

He was always telling me about his girl woes. I think the best moment was telling him about my guy issues. He was so pleased to be in the know. Joy actually radiated off his face. He now had ammunition for teasing. He could give horrible advice. And yet I still went to him with questions, too. Weird.
His big thing was: wear yellow.
Tell the guy you like him.. and be sure to wear yellow. It capture the eye and will make it so he can't look away.
Are you going to see him? Are you going to wear yellow?
Did you wear yellow.
Boo-yah.

-

And then there was that one time that Krista blatantly hit on Charlie at an OR shindig. Blatantly. Over the top pick up lines.. I was mortified. My face was beet red. Charlie's was too, but he can hide it better behind that damn beard. After the BBQ he was gone for a week so I had a good chunk of time to dwell on it before he came back and I could address it.. Pulling him down an aisle away from people..
"She was doing it to make me uncomfortable.. She doesn't do that in real life.. I'm so sorry."
He just shyly acknowledged it and said he knew she was just trying to make me uncomfortable. He and I will bring it up on occasion. Krista became Krista-theonewhoblatantlyhitonyou. (all one word.)

-

Shortly after this guy Dan started working warehouse, Charlie and I were bickering about something. We tended to do this a lot. I thought it was hilarious. Besides the fact Charlie drove me crazy sometimes and I had no problem pointing it out. Dan was eyeing us.
"Mom and Dad are fighting again!" he whined.
(Amanda red face)

-
One day GSC came to me and asked where I got my jeans because the ones he likes aren't carried at Target anymore. (weird.) This led to a conversation on whether or not he should just get more cargo pants, like the ones he wears for work. The ones he got FROM work. Like the ones he never washed.
Me: No, you should just get jeans.
Him: Yea, you're probably riiight.
Me: Don't take this too personal, but you just look better in jeans.
Him: cchhheeekk- with a cocky smirk and began to pose.

-

A few months before I quit, Kimvu came to me and asked if I had a crush on Charlie. I was thoroughly amused. Especially since I knew he was going to ask. He had a look on his face and had been eyeing us for weeks. Whenever I would be talking to Charlie.. Whenever we were having a good laugh, Kimvu was there, smirking and watching. Always watching.
Anyway, so he came and and asked me this. I laughed. Truth be told, I didn't answer the question. I am not actually sure how long I had a crush on Charlie. He was just that constant in my life that I liked for a long time. It was easy. It was funny. It got me through a dull dull job.
But I was absolutely not going to tell Kimvu that. Why would I?
I did tell this to Charlie. At least this conversation with Kimvu. I told him about it, amused, but hesitant.
We had a good laugh about this.

GSC: Actually, he asked me the same thing a couple days ago.
I was shocked. I was very pleased with this. It meant that even though I was over the top obvious about my crush on Charlie or at least my regard for him.. I was glad that it was being seen on his side too.
GSC proceeded to explain that Kimvu doesn't understand that guys and girls can be friends.

Yes yes. That's all well and good.. I still win.

-
Me: Hey, Charlie.. I hope you don't take this too personally.. but I'm really going to miss you when you're gone.
GSC: Yea, I'm gonna miss you too.

GSC

I lost all sense of reasoning. I worked with him for 2 1/2 years and for the first chunk I had the biggest crush on this guy. I blamed it strictly on the Old Spice Sport that he wore. It was like a cloud that followed him around. It addled my brain and I would word vomit all over him. Anything I was thinking, within reason. Thankfully, it never went to such a level of telling him this.

Because he worked with me, none of my room-mates/friends ever saw him so I couldn't confirm whether he was attractive or not or it was really the Old Spice addling my brain. Let-me-tell-you, it messed with it good. It took a long time to be normal, and those residual feeling remained for a long time.

It took a long long time for us to actually be friends. Not "hang out outisde work," friends.. Just "getting through the day," friends. I am okay with that. Over this time, he became such a solid good friends.

It is hard to know where to start with my stories about Charlie, but we'll start with this:

How I Spent My Monday:

"I didn't realize how drunk I was on Friday night. I went home and completely passed out."

Lightbulb

"Ah," I said, "that would explain..." (exaggerated pause)

"Explain what," a tinge of consternation appeared on his face.

"Oh, nothing. Just our conversation to the bus stop." I returned to reading the Harry Potter book I've read half a dozen times knowing full well that no one could call me out on my crap since my one companion to the bus on Friday night wasn't coherent.

"Well, what did I say? Was it something offensive?" He asked repeatedly, obviously concerned.

"You know, it's in the past. No big deal. It's nothing to be concerned about," I assured him, with an air of nonchalance and that annoying smirk on my face that perpetually gives me away when I try to play a joke and/or lie. I avoided eye contact with him, for fear of him seeing the lie. He caught something.

"Either you're playing a trick on me," he said slowly, his brow furrowed and eyes were slits. We made eye contact. Blast, the gig is up for sure! "Or.... your silence means that I did say something!"

Shoot and score.

I left the room trying to reassure him that he didn't offend me at all.

I'll find out. I will."

I smirked as I went about my business. He walked past me occasionally and 95% of the time, he would remind me in undertones that he would find out. Or ask repeatedly if it had been offensive. I would shrug and tell him not to concern himself. "Don't worry about it, it's okay." I was a broken record.

At one of these solid gold moments I told him that the great thing about alcohol is that it's almost like a truth serum. Ask the right questions and you get a wealth of information.

This did not comfort him.

It was a roller-coaster of a day because sometimes he would assure/reassure himself and me that he wouldn't have said/done anything. That the things he's done in the past that he felt were a big deal weren't to other people. Then I would let something slip and he'd be back to complete consternation that I knew something he desperately wanted to know, that he couldn't remember. I avoided looking at him all day, for fear he'd catch on to me. I couldn't keep this going. I couldn't stop smirking.

But you can only keep these things going for so long. Right? So in true Amanda fashion, I attempted to tell him that, in fact, he hadn't done anything. He took this as me trying to be nice and just covering it up.

You just can't win with some people...

Solid use for a Monday.

Present Tense

This is not a moment of flashback but of present day.

I had a moment today, thinking, pondering.. Realizing that there are certain promises and blessings that come from covenants I have made. I don't know why, but it's so hard for me to admit that the one thing I want in the world is really to get married and have a family Maybe it's because it's the one thing I can't acquire on my own.. I am returning to school this fall. Why? Because I have nothing else to do. I mean, this is a subject that I love, that if I am going to have a career, this is what I would want. So until I get what I really want, I can pursue plan B.

I went to the temple today and while this is ultimately a place of happiness and peace.. I ran into my brothers ex-mother-in-law. This would be totally different if it was my brothers ex-wife.. I knew her better. She had actually been part of my family. In name only, I guess.
But I came up to this woman. She asked for my last name. I told her. She hesitated only for a second.
"I'm Derek's little sister," I said.
"Yes, I thought you looked familiar."

Not gonna lie, it was slightly awkward. I have never done anything to her. She has never done anything to me.. but her daughter hurt my brother. That was enough to make things weird.