5 am.. Technically 9 pm

I should be sleeping but I can't get there. I got a solid 8 hours and then my body declared it was done sleeping.. at 3 am London time. Which is incredibly unfortunate.. I have been sporadically up since then.
I have responded to emails, texts and whatever else. (I mean everyone else is still on west coast time, so why not?) I have read my scriptures. I drank some water. I tried to go to sleep repeatedly.. It's all for nothing. My brain keeps clicking on with moments of excitement, amusement and other nonsense.

The most current thing rolling around my head is a moment... just a moment that I figure if I write it out it might just stop bugging me.

I had stayed late talking to him. It was a solid conversation. Families, faith, etc. Moments of lamenting that broke my heart to hear. He was better than this. He deserves better. It hit a point where I had to go. I'm sure I had work the next day and while he had more freedom with his job, I did not. I went to the door, gave him a hug.
"I love you," I told him while holding on to him so tight. It caught me off guard. While I would never deny this, it surprised me that I had said it.
"I love you, too."
I pulled back, kissed his forehead, quickly said my farewells and went home.

And in true fashion between the both of us, this moment was never discussed again. I mean, why would it be. It's now just rolling around my friggin head at 5 am. My own audacity always throws me for a loop. These things are really things I feel like I wouldn't normally do.. But for whatever reason, they keep happening more and more. Maybe this is becoming that thing I do.

But he has just been on my mind a lot lately.

Face-palm (o.O)

It's amazing how I can make an idiot out of myself 1500 miles away.

So Krista likes to keep me updated on random things going on. She will send me pictures of activities.. of the guys.. stuff going on and around. I kind of love it because I feel like I am still part of things. Tonight she sent me a picture of Josh. Straight in the face, obvious picture of Josh. He's been gone for the week and hadn't shaved at all. He is generally a very clean shaven individual.
But.. I might be a sucker for scruff.
I might be a bit of a sucker for facial hair..
And I am already a sucker for Josh.
 He's really quality. He's the best of the best. I hope one day he will find what he is looking for.

But that is not the point. The point IS is that Krista sent me the picture and my reaction was as follows.
"Hahahhahahaaa.
How did you get that.
That's hilarious.
And daaaaaaaaaamnn
CURSE YOU JOSH!!"
....
"Ruh roh..  He's gonna see this isn't he..."
Krista: Too late...
Me: Shut up..
Please please respond...
I really need to know what level of embarrassment I should be at.."
Krista: I'm sorry!! They all came at once. There was one response when I clicked on the app then the floodgates of hoover dam opened.
He laughed. Hard."
Me: Oh craaaaaap.
I.. I don't know.. I don't know what to do now"
Krista: You should be flattered. He doesn't laugh that way easily. plus it was right after he saw Aubrey so it's a good thing.
Me; I. Am Speachless...
----
Krista: No words, just big grin and deep laugh
--

Oh-my-gosh. You know, what's funny about the whole thing is that I can kind of see that big grin and deep laugh. Man, I love him. He cracks me up. I may have texted him just to break the ice. Just a - hey, you're back from your trip.- kind of text. I can just see the smirk on his face when he sees it's from me. I can see the wheels in his head turning. And because I have made an idiot out of myself on so many occasions.. I can peg his reaction even down to the tilt of his head.

I-love-you. Why is that so hard?

Passive ways to say it:

"Love ya!"
"I love your guts"
"You too!"

Ugh. I find myself being so passive about this. It's like I can't commit or I don't want to FREAK anyone out by saying "I-LOVE-YOU."

Why is that scary? I do. This shouldn't SURPRISE you. I hold you it high esteem! I think you're totally top notch! Why can't I say it? We're friends! There seems to be a big thing involved by saying it even just to friends.

Which is further alarming when I get German telling me he loves me right and left. No passive voice. Just full out- point blank. I love you.

Nicely done, sir. But he's not one to dance around or be subtle about it.

I don't do half-assed though. (I'm not even going to do Liza's "half-fast" line.) I am all in. I tend to overflow with my particular regard. It's brimming. There's no stopping it. I just have a hard time saying it without adding that safety cushion.

This was random.

Benefit of being gone

So.. Come to find there is a benefit of being gone from my home town for so long. I went to my old job and there were quite a few people i still knew there. It was great to see them. And in the beginning there was usually an exclamation from every person about how great I look. Shock on their faces. 

Yes... I am pretty sure the last time they saw me/I worked there I was : 

40 pounds heavier 

Wearing clothes that were too big and unflattering. (This included this terrible denim skirt, probably black shirt and knew high socks and white superman shoes...) 

Wearing my hair in pigtails on a regular basis.. 

I had the same reaction from a friends dad. "Amanda! You look.. DIFFERENT.... Good different..." 

So yes. I do look great, don't i? Especially In contrast to what I was, this is a definite improvement. 

And this is by no means a plea for commentary.. But more of an observation to myself of myself.. But it's only been in the last year or so that I have consistently thought of myself as pretty.. Attractive.. Whatever. I had moments where I thought I looked nice.. And my friends (always girls) would sing praises, but it never really sat right. 

Yes, I still feel like I could exercise more, eat less sugar.. These are things to improve on.. But still... To look in the mirror and realize that I'm worth looking at. It's new. 

I agree to the WEIRDEST things!!

Not ONLY THAT, but I often OFFER it.

For example.

I was talking to German via text- ages ago, (February? March?)  and in the course of conversation he asked me who I liked. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I ended up telling him. Why did I tell him? I don't know! Because especially via text and ESPECIALLY with him I have an "anything goes" thought process. Which is the worst because he will hold it against me later. And tease to no end.
Especially since the guys in question are his roommates.
Oy-vey.

You're in love with my house! - he exclaimed
Only half. - I retorted.

But also in the course of this conversation I requested, nay begged him to not tease me about my red faced-ness. It was pretty prominent at the time and anything could really trigger it. He told me he would, if he could hug me as long as he wanted without commentary from me..
Whuuut. (misspelled on purpose for extra emphasis and how i am currently saying it...)
He had had the habit lately of hugging me for a really long time and I always tried to escape, exclaiming my discomfort.. because it's awkward to stand there while this man embraced me for a while. Especially awkward when people were around. Or his girlfriend...

Why do you hug me for such a long time- I asked him.
It's how I show you how much I care.
Why can't you just say, 'hey amanda, I think you're swell...' I responded, snarkily.
That doesn't work for me.

So I ended up agreeing, figuring there was a loophole. I mean, if I don't let him hug me, then he can't hug me for a long time, right? (which is dumb because i'm a hugger. i love hugs. when is this gonnastopnever.)

So I got looped into these ridiculous hugs that lasted such a long time. It was especially amusing because I would sometimes just stand there... Hands to my sides after I got my initial hug over with. And then he started to amp it up. . . and he would nuzzle my neck. Yup. That's right. And you can only imagine my reaction then.. Which was me totally wigging out. Which is why he continued to do it..

This elongated hug turned into a sandwich of Scott coming up from behind and hugging German.. But with me in the middle. Weird. But I had had a crush on the guy so.. let's be honest. I didn't care. Sometimes German would hug me and then hold on to get Scotts attention and pivot me so that Scott could come up and embrace us.

And then it turned into Josh joining as well from the side. So then I was in the middle of these three men. Who then decided I was getting to used to their antics and would all start nuzzling me! All of them. Sometimes this happened at their house.. Sometimes at activities.. The worst was when it happened after sacrament meeting.. or after a baptism. Awkward.
"No, guys! No! Not here!" I would be standing there, flailing a little.. Arms and legs.
They would release me and one would always exclaim, Amanda, why is your face so red!?!

The weird thing was that I continued to just take it. It was funny. And sometimes it's just easier to go along with the antics then fight against them.

The OTHER weird thing I agreed to was: this smirking deal I made with Scott.
I was always smirking.. About something. Anything really. I think that's just my resting face. It's better than a scowl. Scott was always really up in arms about it. Asking, pestering.. Sometimes I told him.. Usually I didn't. As I said before, it's a dangerous playground.

So to get him to get off my back I made a deal.. This was my idea even. I told him that each month he would get 5 opportunities to ask me what I was smirking about and I would have to answer.

Whuut.

In the course of this, we made rules as it went along. If he thought of a rule first, I had to follow.. and vise versa. I got myself in some really awkward situations with that. So so awkward.
And what did I get out of it? NOTHING. My own embarrassment and awkwardness.
How many times can I say awkward in one post? I am thinking it's A LOT! Gah!
WHAT THE WHAT!?

I am on drugs and need to be medicated.

Why did these particular instances come to mind? Oh because I did it again. I was playing my guitar tonight and I decided to record myself because I wanted to see what it sounded like.
Not terrible. I'm not pitchy. BUT I am nasal and sound really young. I'm not sure if that's normal or just because I'm sick.

What do I do? I text German (and Emily, actually) that I did this. And of course, German said
"send it to me."
psh
"come on!"

And because it's German and because he has some weird power over me, I told him I would after I wasn't sick anymore. A parting gift of sorts. He really liked that idea.

Which is all fine and good, but let's remember something.. I don't like playing in front of people. And while I won't be playing in front of anyone.. It will be recorded and he could play it for anyone. At least when I played for people it was a one-hit-wonder.

Today was a Scott-oriented day.

I was talking to Christine and she informed me that, while she had been in more relationships than I have, but I have had "comparable experiences being intimate (I hate using that word)- like physically." The explanation behind that particular story will come later... But she also informed me that because I was so close to "the guys," having deep talks, personal disclosure, comfort level... That we were pretty close. 

And then she informed me that I had found my perfect man between the four of my guys. 

"Scott for good looks, flirting and charm. 

German for friendship, companionship, fun talks and personal feedback. 

Chris for general horseplay. 

Josh for good quality good-guy-ness and sincerity. 

You put all those together, it's pretty much the perfect man."

I'm alarmed to say that she might be right. I tell Christine everything. Mostly. 97% . So I definitely trust her judgement in all things. So.. There it is. Reason number 5 as to why I am perpetually single. 

AND THEN! So I was up till 3 this morning and so I felt pretty crappy toward 2 pm. I crashed out at 3 for a chunk of time. I had the weirdest dream and the last part of the dream was all Scott. 

He called, telling me that they really needed this contraption for the fhe activity that was happening now. Could I please go to the post office next door to me and ship it to them. (Apparently there is immediate delivery.) mind I was ten minutes away. No one could come get it themselves. I told him again and again that this was a horrible plan. It would be outrageously expensive. And that the big white van that had been stolen from me had been returned and I could bring it to the activity. And that the woman who had stolen had also bought a solid gold vase with my credit card. 

The dream ends with me dropping my phone and his voice saying my name again and again. The voice was spot on, right on to that timbre of his voice. 

I woke up in a daze. Thought it was so so weird. And in that daze I started to text him to tell him of this dream. I looked at it and thought "too many words!" And proceeded to call him, hoping that he wouldn't pick up so I could leave a long message which I love doing.. But also hoping that he would so we could laugh about my ridiculousness. 

He didn't pick up. I left a message. It cut me off, it was so long. But it gave me an option to either keep it or rerecord. I couldn't remember which button to push. I opted to rerecord. So not only did I tell this story, but I did it twice. 

Definitely word vomited all over him. But I used to do that all the time. It's like a parting gift. 

His response "I wasn't able to listen to the whole thing, but it sounds pretty darn fantastic. I really need that ice cream maker. So, if you could get on that..." 

And then I got this picture from Julia on snapchat: 

I didn't know who it was at first.. I asked who the father was. 

My reaction... 

shock and amusement.. 

Yea.. Downward spiral. 

Didn't help that I proceeded to text him later some nonsense. 

Colleen couldn't get his last name. She was so amused. And then decided that he belonged in a dickens novel. 

Downward spiral. 

I've pissed off some Greek god in the course of my life

I am a 29 year old single girl who has never been in a real relationship. 

Sometimes in my darkest of times I think back on these moments that I made weird choices. 

For example.. To name a few.. 

Opting to tell the friend of the guy I liked that I would rather go to the homecoming dance with my friends. I think I didn't understand that he was interested in actually asking me. 

That time I was walking back from stadium singing at byui and some guy started chatting me up. I was fairly confused on why he was talking to me. "I need to catch up with my friends." It had been a bad choice because they were flirting with each other. I was third wheel. He looked dejected. 

Once when I was probably 7, we were visiting Colorado and I was hanging out with my best fried. I remember being on a swing having a good ole time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I just laughed. 

Maniacally. 

Swinging back and forth. 

Laughing. 

I just think karma can be a bitch..