I have been thinking too much and I spiraled a bit.

I don't know if this is a cliche. I've never actually seen seen my friends do this, but you know when a guy breaks up with the girl and she just sobs, eats ice cream and watches chick flicks?

I am having that moment. Considering the fact that I haven't ended a relationship, this sounds completely absurd, but that's the closest comparison I can come to at the moment.

It was this moment of acknowledging again that I'm 31 years old and have never:
1. been in a relationship
2. been kissed
3. had a guy show any remote interest in me. (maybe some interest has been made, but it's always the bad ones.. like he's a perv.. or he's a decade younger than me-gross.)

I find this utterly ridiculous and entirely discouraging.

I'm at my friends house last night and she invites Travis over. Oh, Travis. The guy I've known for a decade and liked off and on since then. I'm apparently back to on. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend (that he has never actually mentioned). Ugh. But that doesn't stop him from inviting me to random things and then showing interest towards things I suggest.

Good. That's what friends do, right? That's great.

Unfortunately, my mind is a tangled web of liking the fool, so it's confusing.

So I am on my way home and I get flooded with:
I've been single forever.
No guys show interest.
What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna be alone forever.

It's not like I haven't had these thoughts before, I have.. But this time it's hit a little harder and wrecked me completely.

And then I drove by the Provo City Center Temple, and that shining beacon of eternal truths instead of giving me any comfort just smacks me in the face with my own loneliness.

And I spiral.

And I hurt.

I tried to talk to Charlie. I knew he was up and I wanted to text.. someone. And it was easier to write it than say it. And I didnt want to talk to Christine. He sympathizes and says he understands. He doesn't understand.

Christine tried to comfort me today with talk about my relationships with the people I know. Of what they are to me and I to them.
That's nice.

I thought about months ago when Ronnie was here and we talked about a lot of things. I realized during this conversation that it might be a good thing that I hadn't dated a lot, because as much as I love my friends.. I can't even fathom what a relationship would do especially if it ended.
That logic is failing me.

You know these people that have real things hindering them. A past relationship they can't get past or trying to deal with a past... or.. singles with kids... What's hindering me? I don't have a sordid history. I'm kind of introverted, but not enough that I'm that weird or awkward. I have solid friends that would vouch for me, I think.

Maybe it's just.. me.

Christine asked if she could have her boyfriend over today. She told me I could say no.
I said no.
It wasn't a matter of having him over. I don't care if he's over anymore.
It was a matter of them being cute in the living room, and me pissed and crying in my room thinking about setting them on fire. (I've never actually thought about that... I'm just annoyed and channeling lucille..)

I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to write and send this into the internetal-abyss.

And I'm running off to England in a couple months.

In the mean-time, I return to my early 2000's chick-flicks. They serve as good distractions while I fall for the story and mock the implausibility of it all.

Screw-everyone.

It is weird to have guy friends that are married...

Obviously this is different with people like... Julia and Brian. I'm friends with Brian, but more friends with Julia.

But I went to my best friends play tonight. It was awesome. It's not strange that I would go and support my friend, it's not strange that I would bring him pie... but it suddenly felt weird when I was chatting with his dad and his in-laws walked up. Suddenly I feel like the dynamic changes with my friend because we just have an odd brother-sister friendship. He is standing there talking to everyone, bouncing his shoulder off of mine, while I punch him in the arm every time he hops bounds off. People generally associate me as friends with his sister. Which I am. She was first. His dad introduced me as such.. So it seemed weird that I was there for him. It's just a weird dynamic when there are new people around that don't understand. It is kind of like when he got set apart to be a missionary... He is a very huggy person, and then suddenly we were orbiting around rooms to avoid each other. That's what his marriage feels like. I'm probably reading into this.

At the end of the day, I need to become better friends with his wife. I think I would feel better about it if we were friends.

Few things

Christine has been on my case about updating A blog... I haven't had the time.. And it passes so quickly but there are some things I've been thinking that should get out.

Uber fail- 
I pride myself in my loyalty to my friends. This is a huge deal to me and I don't take it lightly. Hell hath no fury, and all that. Unfortunately.. I betrayed one. I think he's probably over it. But he was going through a hard time and I was persuaded by comments and opinions of others. I knew of his heartache. He had confided in me... And in some random rampage I got on his case. He, quite justly, put me back in my place. This happened a while ago... but I promised to butt-out. That I wouldn't listen to anyone who brought it up. I would not do this again.
I also told him that I would no longer text him past 11 pm my time.. because that's when the crazy really comes out... Not even just in pestering him but I just start texting whatever I am thinking. It just flows. DANGER DANGER!
Anyway. I think we're good. But that was an interesting and utterly devastating moment.

Planning my life away
I was ALSO just planning. Anyone who knows/talks to me knows that I am an obsessive planner. I can't stop. So here I am.. end of March and I am planning things for December/January. This is fruitless... So much can change by then.
I'm planning on:
Getting home in December.
Getting a car
Getting LASIK
Moving back to Seattle.
On the way stopping in Utah for a couple days and having a grand reunion.
You're all invited.
Hahah.
I keep longing for this moment. I'm clearly
1. Not in my right mind.
2. Not very happy right now.
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS!
I have a great life! I have friends! I'm doing great things! I'm in LONDON!
Alas... I just get so lost in missing.
But I know when I leave I will miss people here! So I might as well have a good time.
Also... I can technically go home as of end of August. As long as I have the funds- I am staying till December. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STUPID NOT TO!
And I would regret it. 

The guys still boggle my mind...
I used to have a tendency to surround myself with females. It's easy and no pressure to it. These are people to hang out with.. Suddenly guys were around and I went tongue tied and idiotic. I've talked about this before, I'm sure.
But something changed in the last 6-7 years. I have guy friends. What? Awesome. But I don't trust that they're gonna stick around... I'm sure that they will realize my madness and run for the hills..
THEY-HAVEN'T!
Mind-blown.
Even when I make fun of Brian all the time and his horrible stache.
Or say idiotic things to German.
Or send pictures of me flipping him off to Chris. (Cause sometimes that's just gonna happen.)
I am so so shocked that they have put up with my madness. Cause it's madness.
I was impressed with this all over again yesterday when I was ranting to Scott about the ridiculous date I went on.
Who knew he would ever be my sounding board.
Considering our insane friendship and I told him that I liked him before I left Seattle- it's a wonder we're still friends. Besides everything else. He keeps demanding when I am going to return... that I am the missing link between our two houses.
I was teasing him yesterday about how he gabs like a girl. (I dont know why it should surprise me that he would tell his housemates stuff... I tell mine..) His response was something along the lines of "not in a joke way. I was excited for you, so I talked to German about it."
This just seemed so amusing. He has no idea.

BUT! I have guy friends here too. I love them. I had a moment a few weeks back that I had these three guys in conversation and I felt I was in the midst (almost) of my Seattle guys again. But not at all. There was no tri-hug, and these ones were too short to really be Scott, German, Josh (eh), or Chris.

Guy friends in London:
Clever Richard: Totally my fave. He is tall and lanky and a goof. Like Soren in lurpy-ness, but studying chemistry. He's started plopping down wherever I am to share whatever ridiculous story he has for the day. Tuesday's was when he was verbally attacked via text by his group.
It's also hilarious when he says "bully." (cause of his accent.. i can't even explain)
I told him to "pop a squat" once and he looked at me so confused, and in his properly british accent repeated it, confused. That's when Kaylie was here and we would randomly break into a poor British accent just to say... "pop.... a squat???"

Mr. F: He's my writing buddy. He wanted to work on his creative writing this year. We've kind of sucked at it but he's so enthusiastic. He's technically from New York.. but not... Maybe 22-23 years old? He's doing his undergrand. He's young and naive and super enthused about everything. He's got dark curly hair, deep dimples and a smile that always reaches his eyes. I just want to hug him. Or pinch his cheeks.

Dr. John: My photographer buddy. I try to make him like Josh- mostly because of his job and when I told him about being a spy he told me he had his friend convinced he was a spy because he worked close to the MI6 building in London. So besides the job with computers, that's really the only thing they share. John tends to keep his thoughts to himself but has a good sense of humor. And shows his feelings through a smirky laugh that I know he's judging and laughing at my idiocy.

A. Eleventh: He reminds me of Matt Smith a bit. It's odd. But he's my home teacher and he's been really great. We also realized that we had a mutual acquaintance from back home. It was a strange realization. Mostly because when I went on my British Lit Tour EIGHT YEARS AGO (ugh), I ended up in Sligo and was there the same time as my friend Bryan who was serving his mission. It was crazy. Well Aaron and I realized that they were companions and HE WAS HIS COMPANION THAT DAY! I could have met him in passing 8 years ago. How insane is that??

Mark: This is the one I've gone out with a couple times. 3 times as of yesterday. Kind of a strange gent. But his randomness and ridiculousness amused me so I asked him out. But he's great and likes to read. A lot. But it got weird yesterday mostly because we're both awkward and just not using our words. We went to dinner and then wandered around Hyde Park. It was good conversation most of the time... Although he calls filling the air with mindless chatter "waffling," which he says he is prone to do. And saying goodbye in tube stations is weird. What are you even supposed to do? He basically did a hang-loose sign and departed.
Whuut.
Just.. What??
Christine said that I shouldn't give up on him yet because he just seems awkward. Leslie said he has a tendency to lack confidence and that's probably a factor here.
Yea yea yea.
We will see if this continues. I am not betting on it.

So my weekend plans:
Thursday:
Meet with advisor at 840 AM (takes an hour to get to campus.. that was a beast this morning)
Class at 530. (WTQ, which is why I am just taking some time to write.)

Friday:
Breakfast Club  for Jess' birthday
Cinderella
Meet for temple trip at 5
7 pm session
Return

Saturday:
11 am Chocolate Fest (care of Krista. Happy Birthday to me)
3 pm Doctor Who tour with Jesse
6 pm Easter Devo

Sunday:
Fast Sunday
12 pm choir
1 pm church

And somewhere skype with MARCUS! yessss.
And read a couple novels (not just read but analyse) THEN REREAD THEM, secondary texts and figure out the questions for my essay for Travels in Children's Literature and doing some proper research for my dissertation.

Bee-tee-dubs. This is the last week of class.

I hope this is enough for now, Tistine.

Yea so I'm an idiot sometimes..

I am standing outside the British Library trying to figure out my directions and some guy comes up to ask when the library closes. I give him the answer. He proceeds to continue the conversation. I am in a slight panic/annoyed because I want to be elsewhere. In midst of conversation with he proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions and engaging the conversation. He's from northern England. I didn't think I would see him again. No I dont want to get coffee, I have to go... Through said conversation he will ask random questions and then point blank ones, such as: are you dating someone. Are you married, have children, etc. The one that amused and annoyed me further was who I lived with back in the states. WHAT? What do you mean who did I live with? I have had like 60 roommates in the past decade. I didnt say that but it was a dumb question. He asks for my number. Sure. Figuring I can just shake him at that point.. Nope. He proceeds to come with me to where I am going. I dont know where I am going. So at an awesome opportunity, I hop on some form of transit and go on my way to anywhere else. 

I hear from him later that night. How nice. 

Sunday morning he calls me twice. at 9 AM. Seriously?? 9 FREAKING AM? On a Sunday?? I occasionally respond, but I am busy so I don't answer when he calls. Which is quite a bit actually. I think he finally decides to call it quits on Wednesday. Mind I met him on Saturday. At that point he has called me EIGHT TIMES. On this day I had honestly forgotten my phone at home and gone all day. It was weird. I come home to him asking, after a ton of texts, if he should just delete my number. *sigh of relief.* Yes. Sure. That would probably be best. And I am thinking, this must be so annoying to him. What a relief that is over. He then says.. why should I delete your number? Do you want me to? Why?

Umm.. You are the one that suggested this... And because I must be frustrating.
(I had also been really sick so this all was just obnoxious.) 

He then proceeds to tell me that I was indecisive and misleading, but that I should still want to meet up with him..

Umm. no. I I try a .. Well.. Considering the distance and school, this is probably not for the best.

He proceeds to tell me that I AM misleading, but it's not a big deal because he's a millionaire, literally, and that I am an indecisive tramp that he met on the streets. 

This is all via text so I can give you the proper dialogue. 

ME: Hahahahhahahhahahaahhahahahaaa. That's hilarious. Like I care about your money.

HIM: Your not even good looking I've dated much better.

ME: And yet.... You called me 8 times in the last week. *shrug. Looks like I dodged a bullet.

HIM: It's funny how you got so much time to text back so much now hmmmmm this is what some people are like.

ME: Again, You're showing your true colors.

And then I blocked him.

 It was such a 180. In a strange turn of events, one minute singing his own praises and how I should give him the time of day, the next calling me a misleading tramp. This coming from a guy that I tried to politely get go away for at least 3 blocks. A guy who has called me 8 times in 4 days... 

And given. I shouldnt have given him my number, but he seemed almost okay at the time. BUT let me tell you, I'm not doing that again. And I have a story that I have prepared in my head of a fake BF. HOWEVER- he went bat-shit-crazy. (which is such a weird turn of phrase.) Live and learn I guess. Honestly though.. You would have thought I did something more besides not going out with him...

I'm embarrassed to admit.

Girl is bored and frustrated with the Mormon men and gets in okcupid. After all, GSC was on okcupid and he's normal, she muses. She received so many messages, it made her head spin. Some she considered. Some she was horrified. She laughed at most. 

In the course of conversation with one, they decide to meet up at a notting hill Starbucks. All is well. They get their drinks and walk and talk. No big deal. He drinks and smokes. She does neither. But the conversation was easy. "This is how dating Mormon guys should be!" She declares in her mind. 

But she's not actually interested in the guy. He called her hon, which is a term if endearment we abhors. She tried to ignore it. He didn't know any better. But she's just not interested. 

She put him off, lying about certain details so he would never find her. 

She's clearly paranoid.

They go on this one date in November. She left on a trip and he texted her safe journeys and that he missed her. 

She is alarmed by his attachment. Already taking forever to respond to his texts, her responses became shorter and snarkier. 

She received a text around New Years, wishing her a happy one and a "goodnight princess." 

Princess?? 

Is he drugged? Medicated? He surely knows she is not going to sleep with him, right? 

He is too attached. She tried to end their conversations. She doesn't even remember his name. He is in her phone under the name "AVOID." He tells her he misses her. 

"Don't be silly," she says. 

"I am not being silly (name), what would a simple guu like me want more that a decent successful person to hang out with, who knows maybe I will fall in love with you as I already like you." 

She is alarmed. 

she is mortified. 

She is annoyed. 

She tells him he is showing his hand too soon. 

"Not really (name), I dont blame you for saying that and I wish if you have gave me the chance to approach my self, I have no bad intentions to you, all what I have for you is love and respect"

"That's very nice, but I am not interested in pursuing this any further. "

"Ok (name) I appreciate and respect that, thank you anyway, wish you all the best please if you need anything any help one day just dont be hesitated I will always be supporting you."

-I will always be supporting you.- 

seriously? 

Yes. Clearly a solid bond was made in that ONE MEETING! In what world would she go to him for anything? She is not alone. She was never dependent on him. 

All in all... 

She had an entire relationship that she wasn't really a part of...

Drinker

Conclusion- I am so glad I don't drink... Because even when I don't i do stupid things...

Like:

word vomit all over people and tell my secrets...

Confessing dying infatuations...

Text exactly what I'm thinking..

Which is so so dangerous.

Or in a sleep induced stupor, almost text marriage proposals.

Reasons why I shouldn't drink, 101 (besides the whole commandment thing)

People sick

People occasionally ask me if I get home sick. I generally think about it and reply no... But sometimes I get people sick.. Until now.. When I got to talk to Derek and Jared tonight. That distance seems even further ... And I find myself, not even realizing... Seeking out things that are loved/appreciated by those I love.. Whether it be food, music or movies. But it rings even more true when I purposefully go out and buy something like this: 

I am generally annoyed with certain fads and trends.. This one is included. I think it's silly... But bekki and her girls love them.. Therefore I love them. I see them and I get excited to send them to her. To share this awesome find. I'm not sure if she still likes them.. But I see them and think of her. I am just a little lost in missing.