I have been thinking too much and I spiraled a bit.

I don't know if this is a cliche. I've never actually seen seen my friends do this, but you know when a guy breaks up with the girl and she just sobs, eats ice cream and watches chick flicks?

I am having that moment. Considering the fact that I haven't ended a relationship, this sounds completely absurd, but that's the closest comparison I can come to at the moment.

It was this moment of acknowledging again that I'm 31 years old and have never:
1. been in a relationship
2. been kissed
3. had a guy show any remote interest in me. (maybe some interest has been made, but it's always the bad ones.. like he's a perv.. or he's a decade younger than me-gross.)

I find this utterly ridiculous and entirely discouraging.

I'm at my friends house last night and she invites Travis over. Oh, Travis. The guy I've known for a decade and liked off and on since then. I'm apparently back to on. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend (that he has never actually mentioned). Ugh. But that doesn't stop him from inviting me to random things and then showing interest towards things I suggest.

Good. That's what friends do, right? That's great.

Unfortunately, my mind is a tangled web of liking the fool, so it's confusing.

So I am on my way home and I get flooded with:
I've been single forever.
No guys show interest.
What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna be alone forever.

It's not like I haven't had these thoughts before, I have.. But this time it's hit a little harder and wrecked me completely.

And then I drove by the Provo City Center Temple, and that shining beacon of eternal truths instead of giving me any comfort just smacks me in the face with my own loneliness.

And I spiral.

And I hurt.

I tried to talk to Charlie. I knew he was up and I wanted to text.. someone. And it was easier to write it than say it. And I didnt want to talk to Christine. He sympathizes and says he understands. He doesn't understand.

Christine tried to comfort me today with talk about my relationships with the people I know. Of what they are to me and I to them.
That's nice.

I thought about months ago when Ronnie was here and we talked about a lot of things. I realized during this conversation that it might be a good thing that I hadn't dated a lot, because as much as I love my friends.. I can't even fathom what a relationship would do especially if it ended.
That logic is failing me.

You know these people that have real things hindering them. A past relationship they can't get past or trying to deal with a past... or.. singles with kids... What's hindering me? I don't have a sordid history. I'm kind of introverted, but not enough that I'm that weird or awkward. I have solid friends that would vouch for me, I think.

Maybe it's just.. me.

Christine asked if she could have her boyfriend over today. She told me I could say no.
I said no.
It wasn't a matter of having him over. I don't care if he's over anymore.
It was a matter of them being cute in the living room, and me pissed and crying in my room thinking about setting them on fire. (I've never actually thought about that... I'm just annoyed and channeling lucille..)

I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to write and send this into the internetal-abyss.

And I'm running off to England in a couple months.

In the mean-time, I return to my early 2000's chick-flicks. They serve as good distractions while I fall for the story and mock the implausibility of it all.

Screw-everyone.

It is weird to have guy friends that are married...

Obviously this is different with people like... Julia and Brian. I'm friends with Brian, but more friends with Julia.

But I went to my best friends play tonight. It was awesome. It's not strange that I would go and support my friend, it's not strange that I would bring him pie... but it suddenly felt weird when I was chatting with his dad and his in-laws walked up. Suddenly I feel like the dynamic changes with my friend because we just have an odd brother-sister friendship. He is standing there talking to everyone, bouncing his shoulder off of mine, while I punch him in the arm every time he hops bounds off. People generally associate me as friends with his sister. Which I am. She was first. His dad introduced me as such.. So it seemed weird that I was there for him. It's just a weird dynamic when there are new people around that don't understand. It is kind of like when he got set apart to be a missionary... He is a very huggy person, and then suddenly we were orbiting around rooms to avoid each other. That's what his marriage feels like. I'm probably reading into this.

At the end of the day, I need to become better friends with his wife. I think I would feel better about it if we were friends.